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My Daughter Was Hanging Out with a Boy, I’m Shocked!

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Apr 15, 2019

Question

I have recently been informed by a family member and friends that my daughter age 16 has been going out with a boy, this boy is openly defaming her in the local area so I am assuming the relationship is over. I have always had (or thought I had) an open relationship with my daughter and she knows that dating is wrong in Islam.

She fasts and prays her salah, and is a very obedient child. This news has shaken me to the core, and I am deeply hurt by this misuse of our trust. I honestly do not know how to handle the situation, I will confiscate her phone and laptop immediately. But I don't know how to talk to her calmly and how to manage the situation without alienating her but also opening her eyes to the seriousness of the situation.

Also, should I be asking her details about the relationship, I have so many questions which are driving me insane. I make constant dua to Allah to keep my children on the straight path, any specific Duas would be appreciated too and any dua to help me talk to her without losing my patience. Jazak Allah khair

Counselor

Answer


Daughter

In this counseling answer:

•Make sure that you only approach her to talk about it when you are in a calm place mentally.

•Instead of punishing her for what she has done, instead, you can work on what lessons she has learned and how she can behave differently in the future to avoid such embarrassing situations occurring again.

•Instead of punishing her for what she has done, instead, you can work on what lessons she has learned and how she can behave differently in the future to avoid such embarrassing situations occurring again.


As-salamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh dear sister,

The news of what your daughter has been up to has understandably shocked you. She is very obedient and practising Islam well, alhamdulilah, but it seems that despite this she has done something that is not acceptable in Islam.

This is especially difficult for you as her mother to stomach as you will be left feeling like you did something wrong or fearing the punishment of Allah for her behavior, despite doing your level best to ensure that has been raised in the best way.

You are probably feeling very upset, but pretty angry at the same time as it is like she betrayed your trust. So, the first thing you need to be aware of is how we can behave quite irrationally when we are feeling this way. It is quite a natural response to betrayal and this is fine, but you have to ensure that you manage your feelings wisely so as not to push her further away and seek other haram pastimes to occupy her time.


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So, make sure that you only approach her to talk about it when you are in a calm place mentally. This way you can speak to her in a calm tone that she is more likely to respond to positively. If you approach her in a state of anger, she is less likely to listen to what you have to say.

When you do talk to her, try to take a more sympathetic tone than disappointing tone. If she has been defamed locally she is likely feeling upset and even embarrassed about what she has done. She may even be feeling regret. If this how she is feeling she will need support, rather than to be shouted at. Shouting at her will only make her feel even worse about what she has done.

But, if you can be gentle with her she will be more likely to open with you about the situation and it will maintain the strong ties that you already have. Instead of punishing her for what she has done, instead, you can work on what lessons she has learned and how she can behave differently in the future to avoid such embarrassing situations occurring again.

She has unfortunately discovered the natural consequences of haram actions like having a boyfriend and there is nothing that can be done now to turn the clock back, but everything can be done to make the future a more positive one. She has learnt why Allah has forbidden such things and hopefully, it has given her an insight into why it’s important to follow the commands of Allah.

So, to see things in a positive light, whilst it was a terrible thing to have done, there are many good lessons that she can take from it to improve her future. Unfortunately, as humans we all make mistakes, but what’s important is how we use these to make something better of ourselves. Since she is 16, and you have a good relationship with her you can support her To do this.

Never give up on making du’a for your children and Allah will here you and reward your patience with the tests that raising children brings.

May Allah reward you for doing all you can to raise your children on the path of Islam and may Allah keep your children on the straight path to be upstanding pillars of the community.

And Allah knows best.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Daughter Talks Too Much About Love

My Teenage Daughter Has a Non-Muslim Boyfriend; Please Help!




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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