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A Bad Word Leading My Son to Porn, Help!

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Oct 11, 2018

Question

Asalamoalaikum I am a mother of 3 sons. Elder one is 7 years and 9 months old. He has been told by some of his schoolmate about a bad word f****g . And a few days back he got a chance to use my mobile on Google chrome and saw so many bad websites. Today after 10 days he used his father mobile and typed the same word in youtube. We have passwords on our mobile and most of the time mobiles are locked but that was our bad luck that he got the chance to use mobile and saw the worst things.

We are Alhamdulillah Muslim and practicing Muslim. I may skip my salah but my husband tries level best to offer all salah. Since I got him evaluated he was not confused and said that his friend told him that word. I am really worried what to do. Although I have talked to him and made him realize that its sin and Allah forbid us to see any sinful things and Whats good and Whats bad. I do talk and share good things with them off and on to develop good habits.

He is a very good child and mostly a disciplined child about all this and my husband also talked to him and made him understand what we can at this age about good and bad and that he must not listen or talk to such kids who talk so in school. But it's Europe and we can't stop someone except our kids I need help what to do for my kids and avoiding such things to happen again. I am feeling very sad and depressed. I seek forgiveness from Almighty Allah May Allah protect all of us from evil and shaitaan ameen. Please guide me in this regard what to do and how to do.

Counselor

Answer


Kids and porn

In this counseling answer:

“As you and your husband have taken the time to sit down with him and explain to him in a non-threatening way why it is a bad word and why these sites are harmful, you have set up a good relationship with him for any future issues that may arise (and they will!). ”


As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Thank you for writing to us.

As I understand it, your son learned a bad word from a schoolmate and googled it, bringing up many haram websites.

As this is the age wherein children are very curious, it is no surprise that he googled it and became intrigued by what he saw.

Sadly, this happens a lot with school age children, no matter what country they live in, haram words, idea’s and actions do pop up from time to time everywhere and do become a cause for concern if it is not adequately dealt with.

It appears that you and your husband handled the situation correctly.

By being there for him, talking with him about why it is wrong as well as guiding him towards what is right you both provided a solid platform from which to build trust, communication as well as provide guidance.

While he is only 7.9 years old, he will know insha’Allah that you and your husband are there to guide him towards the good things.  Children need that.  They need to know they have parents who will not only set boundaries and limitations but will also explain to them why something is not good for them.


Check out this counseling video


At 7 years old- almost 8,  your son is still developing both emotionally and cognitively. 

At this age, he does worry about disappointing his parents as well as he about what others may think about him (1).

In using or googling this word, he may have thought he wanted to appear “cool” to the kid who taught it to him, but then later found out he disappointed his parents, which at this age can be a strong deterrent from other undesirable behaviors.

As you and your husband have taken the time to sit down with him and explain to him in a non-threatening way why it is a bad word and why these sites are harmful, you have set up a good relationship with him for any future issues that may arise (and they will!).

Your son knows from this experience, that you are there for him should he need answers, as well as the fact that you teach him why things are good or bad and not merely tell him “no.”

I kindly advise insha’Allah that in the future should anything come up again, that you and your husband use the approach you used with this situation.  By letting your child know that he can safely come to you with anything, is a great step in building a relationship with him that is based on honesty and trust-his honesty in confiding things to you-and his trust in you that you will guide him right.

Problems arise sister when parents do not take the time to explain in a loving way why things are wrong.

Parents who simply yell, or just say “don’t do that, or don’t say that” without taking the time to talk with their child and find out his feelings or curiosities and then discuss the issue, often have a harder time later when more serious issues arise for the child may feel he cannot go to his parents.

While we cannot avoid future situations such as this from happening, as parents we can create a home wherein our children feel safe, feel nurtured and feel free to come to us with mistakes they made, things they are thinking of but not sure about-confident we will lovingly guide them.

You and your husband have created such a home.  You both are wonderful parents, and while there will be other incidences in the future as this is life and no child (or adult) is perfect, your son has a strong Islamic home and caring, loving parents who address issues as they arise in a way that he can understand.

Insha’Allah this will act as a protection for your son in the future.

May Allah bless you and make this journey easy, you are in our prayers.

1-https://www.webmd.com/children/tc/milestones-for-7-year-olds-topic-overview

 

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

 

Read more:

I Caught My Son Surfing Porn Websites!

My Son & Pornography – Guilty or Innocent?

 




About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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