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My 16 Year Old Daughter Lost Her Virginity, Help!

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Dec 06, 2017

Question

Please help me, my teenage daughter -16 years old- just told me that she is no longer a virgin! She was dating a boy -17 years old- for a month.I really didn't know what to say but I can tell you I was heartbroken. What I have done , what my faults I try to make her a good practicing Muslimah but she never responded , I thought she may be need sometimes to wear her hijab, to keep her prayers in time but never ever think about losing her virginity in this age.

Counselor

Answer


love

In this counseling answer:

“Perhaps you can discuss alternative activities to her to subdue or divert her passion such as taking up a hobby, engaging in a sport or focusing more on her future and career aspirations. While these suggestions are meant to help divert her needs, they are real needs sister and will not totally go away. I would kindly suggest that you encourage her to start keeping her prayers, to start attending the Masjid, and encourage her to make friends with young sisters who are serious about being successful in this life and the hereafter. While these things may not happen over night, by planting these seeds of love, insha’Allah they will grow inside of her.”


As salamu alaykum,

 

Thank you for writing in with your most important concern. I can imagine you are heartbroken dear sister, but all is not lost. As you know Allah SWT is most merciful and forgiving. I am sure you did all you could as a loving Islamic mother however at this age young adults often do what they please regardless of their upbringing or possible consequences. Often times young adults often try to uphold Islamic values however the sexual urges become too strong for them to contain. If not redirected into other activities to keep their minds busy, or if their relationship with Allah and Islamic principles are not strong, they often chose to ignore their Islamic upbringing and lose all values and morals associated with Islam.

It seems that your daughter has gotten off the right path quite some time ago if she has not been keeping her prayers and not following Islamic guidelines such as not being alone with boys. However dear sister, the good thing is that she feels close enough to you to tell you that she is no longer a virgin. I would kindly suggest that you take this opportunity to pull her closer to you in an effort to not only improve your communication and relationship with her but to guide her back upon the path of Islam.

This is a critical point in time sister which can affect which way she will turn. She can either repent to Allah for her behaviors and draw closer to Him or she can continue down this path of haram behaviors. The approach you take is very important right now. I would kindly suggest that you have a heart to heart talk with her, just the two of you perhaps over lunch or tea. Try not to be accusatory and punitive although it may be hard, as this will only push her away.

You may want to discuss with her insha’Allah your feelings when you were her age and how you handled sexual attraction and avoided haram behaviors. Explain the benefits of refraining from sexual behaviors based on self respect, self love and waiting for a future husband. Once she understands the value of “self” as a young woman, please do remind her of her value as a young Muslim woman as well as her Islamic duties, principles, obligations and accountability to Allah SWT. Sister, if she is open to discussing her behaviors in terms of Islamic guidelines and laws, please do discuss with her the seriousness of this sin in the “sight” of Allah and what is discussed in the Qur’an (1)

“And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way” (Quran 17:32)

as well as the benefits of staying chaste such as pleasing Allah, not sinning, valuing the worth of her body, not giving herself away to one who is not deserving, prevention of disease as well as prevention of pregnancy. Insha”Allah try to instill in her a sense of sacredness for her body and self as well as the real presence of Allah in her life so that insha’Allah she will be able to resist temptation.

While most young adults do love Allah, it is often too easy to fall into these types of sin as the sexual drive is so strong. This may also be the time sister to start talking about marriage. If she feels she is mature enough for sexual relationships, then she should be prepared to consider marriage in the near future insha’Allah. In fact marriage is recommended to young adults who feel they cannot refrain from sexual sins such as intercourse. However, in this day and age and depending on which country you live in, some parents are not comfortable in encouraging their children to take this route.

Perhaps you can discuss alternative activities to her to subdue or divert her passion such as taking up a hobby, engaging in a sport or focusing more on her future and career aspirations. While these suggestions are meant to help divert her needs, they are real needs sister and will not totally go away. I would kindly suggest that you encourage her to start keeping her prayers, to start attending the Masjid, and encourage her to make friends with young sisters who are serious about being successful in this life and the hereafter. While these things may not happen over night, by planting these seeds of love, insha’Allah they will grow inside of her.

While your daughter did not always wear hijab or pray regularly, deep in her heart she loves Allah very much insha’Allah, she just may not have become aware of His great love for her. Often times, youth have to go through a major crisis or life changing event in order to realize that Allah loves us so much that He has created rules and guidelines for us to live by so that we will be able to live in a safe and moral manner conducive to humankind. Insha’Allah sister your daughter will realize this, and this sad news could be the one thing that changes her course in life and brings her closer to Allah and to you her mother.

You are in our prayers, please let us know how you both are doing.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

 

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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