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Pregnant and Not Happy

Questioner

S (25_female_UK)

Reply Date

Jan 10, 2017

Question

As-Salamu 'Alaykum, I am Muslim and I recently got married to a Muslim Pakistani man. We got married 4 months ago. Everything was going well, until I discovered recently (only a few weeks ago) that I am 4 weeks pregnant.Since I found out that I am pregnant, I have been crying every day. I am not ready to be a parent, and I feel that the baby has come at the worst possible time. The reason my husband and I did not use contraception was because my husband felt that in doing so, we would be preventing Allah from giving us a baby. I went along with this, but when I found out about the pregnancy, I was devastated. Now, my friends are asking me why I'm so surprised as I chose not to use contraception in the first place. When I discussed the possibility of abortion until I am ready to have a family, they said it is totally forbidden in Islam. I have read about abortion and I know that it is haram, but I am finding this hard to cope with. My husband and I have just recently got married as I mentioned before, and I feel that the baby has come too soon. Moreover, I am unsure as to whether my husband is the right person for me as it will take time for me to get to know him as a person. I married a man who was not practicing from the start, but had a very good heart. I am worried now that I have done something very wrong. I do want to try and encourage him in his religion and make him a better Muslim, but what if he doesn't change. I just don't think he will be the sort of father that my child would look up to as a Muslim. Despite the fact that he has a good heart, he doesn't pray, he watches Asian films which include singing and dancing and doesn't go to mosque regularly or read about Islam. What am I going to do? I just feel so upset and I haven't told my family about this man let alone tell them about the pregnancy. I am a convert to Islam and I have hid my Islamic Identity from them for 5 years, including the recent marriage and the baby. I just feel so depressed and sometimes I push my husband away when he tries to get close to me. The worse problem of all is that my husband hasn't got his status in the UK and has to return to his own country to apply for a visa. What if it is rejected for any reason and I end up being a single mother? I really want to terminate this pregnancy as I am scared of bringing up this child alone.

Counselor

Answer


Dear sister,
You are a Muslimah of five years and have recently married a Muslim man from another country who does not practice Islam to your satisfaction, but who has a good heart.  You and he decided not to use any contraceptives as you did not want to hinder Allah’s giving a baby to you.  After you got pregnant, you were shocked and are experiencing turmoil about being told that abortion is haram.

As you know, I cannot tell you that it is haram or halal for your situation as I am a mental health counselor, not an Islamic scholar.  You are frightened to have this baby because you are not sure that your husband is the man that you want to be with.  He also has some immigration issues creating a possibility that he won’t be staying in the UK.

It makes sense that you would be anxious about sharing this pregnancy with your family when you have hid your Islam for five years and even your marriage.  This baby seems to be bringing up a lot of identity issues about yourself and the choices that you are making.  Furthermore, it seems like you are feeling entrapped by this pregnancy as it is something that you can’t undo and are committed to whether you wanted to be or not.

I don’t know if you could get a fatwa that would allow abortion for you, especially with the embryo being so young in age; however, I think that there are some significant psychological issues that are underlying the whole issue that are bigger than the pregnancy.  I really think that the pregnancy was just the trigger that set everything off.  If you did go ahead with the abortion I think that you may still be in distress and might have some significant guilt about what has happened.

Having a father that is not religious but has a good heart is not something that many kids say that wish they would have never been born because of.  Similarly, being a single parent is also not the end of the world and is defiantly not impossible as difficult as it may appear.  I am not one to tell you what you should do about your situation or how you should feel about it.  I strongly encourage you to see a mental health counselor to try to understand your emotions before making any regrettable decisions.




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