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My Husband Wants to Adopt, But I Don’t

Questioner

R (37_female_Canada)

Reply Date

Aug 25, 2018

Question

As salamu ‘alaykum, First I must commend you for the valuable service you are providing for the Muslim community. I need your advice. My husband and I have three daughters. A few years ago our son passed away when he was ten years old. My husband was really shaken up by his death. Anyway one year later, he asked for us to try for another son. I did, but I miscarried when I was six months (it was a boy). We were both very disappointed, but that is the Will of Allah. I am currently three months pregnant again. Since my son's passing my husband has been spending time, taking a young boy from our neighbourhood around with him, and at one point he wanted to bring the boy to live with us (the boy's mother also passed away, and his father remarried, he is living with his grandmother).

Now, this morning my husband told me that if I don’t get a boy he will adopt a baby boy. Here is the thing that upsets me. My husband never helps out at home. When my four children were babies he never helped with them, in fact, he would yell at me to keep them quiet. He never spent much time with them, not even with our son whom he misses so much now that he is gone. Even now, he should have realized his mistake, and spend time with his daughters, but he doesn’t. It's not that his work keeps him busy. When he is at home he spends much time in bed, and when he gets up he goes out to play ball or he watches TV.

I hate myself for this, but I resent the innocent little boy that he spends time with, and I resent the fact that he won't spend time with our daughters. If he does go ahead and adopt I am afraid I will resent an innocent child. The thing that upsets me is that I am nearing forty years old, and still I put myself through the stress of pregnancy just to please him, and if Allah doesn’t bless us with a son it seem like a waste of my time. The other thing is we are barely making ends meet. I don’t understand why my husband is so insistent on wanting to add more kids when we barely provide for the ones we do have. Please help me understand what to do here.

Counselor

Answer


Husband

In this counseling answer:

“I ask you, what if you were to take in this boy (with his grandmother’s permission), and raise him as your own? What if this boy brought about the kind of change within your husband that can turn him into a responsible father? These are considerations not to be belittled.”


As salamu ‘alaykum dear sister.

Before I start, I must say you did put a smile on my face, however from where you are I am sure it is not amusing!

Jazaka Allahu khayrun for sharing with us your concerns, It sometimes takes something drastic to happen in ones life before one realizes the opportunities that one has missed, or the responsibilities that one should have taken on. Only Allah (SWT) Knows what we can not see. He gives us life and takes life, and only He Knows the Wisdom of it all.

The loss of an only son can take the wind out of a father, especially when he sees the son as someone who he could share with. After all, he is surrounded by 4 women. That chance has been taken away from him for whatever Wisdom that is with Allah (SWT); and maybe your husband has learnt a few lessons from bereavement.

Now there is a boy within your community without parents, and living with his grandmother. There is no knowing how much longer her good health will last, and for how long she will be able to support her grandson as she does currently. By the Grace of Allah (SWT), your husband has been presented with an opportunity to do for this boy, that which he did not do for your son.

I ask you, what if you were to take in this boy (with his grandmother’s permission), and raise him as your own? What if this boy brought about the kind of change within your husband that can turn him into a responsible father? These are considerations not to be belittled.

The benefit could be less pressure on you to produce a son. Also, you could seize the moment and demonstrate to your husband the harm that could be done if he were to treat this boy better than he treats your daughters. To coin an unfortunate phrase, this is an opportunity to “kill two birds with one stone”. I think you will find that the solution is right in front of you. With humor, and patience, you might get the better of your husband yet, insha-Allah.

Salam

***

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About Hwaa Irfan

Late Hwaa Irfan, may her soul rest in peace, served as consultant, counselor and freelance writer. Her main focus was on traditional healing mechanisms as practiced in various communities, as opposed to Western healing mechanisms.

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