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‘Angry’ Parents Always Cursing Me, Help!

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Mar 13, 2019

Question

My parents have the habit of making bad du’a when they are angry with me. I try my best to please them but as soon as a very insignificant thing is not done the way they want it to be done, they utter (especially my mom) word like « May you never succeed! » or « May you be given blindness » or things like that.

I tried so many times telling them and begging them not to say such bad du’a since supplication from parents is more likely to be accepted. I made them watch a video, read Hadith... but my mom says it’s her right as a parent, and that she can’t help it, and if I don’t want her to say bad things all I need is not to make her angry. She also says that those are not real du’a, it’s just something said while angry so they won’t be answered anyway.

I feel like I can’t succeed in anything in life, I try my best not to make them angry but the problem is my parents are very hard to please. No matter how good I am they expect more from me. And at the first sign of a ridiculously small mistake (ie. Picking the wrong spoon to stir the food!), I can assure you they will formulate a bad du’a against me.

I feel stuck! What should I do? Is true that du’a against me can be accepted even if I don’t deserve it?

Counselor

Answer


'Angry' Parents Always Cursing Me, Help!

In this counseling answer:

•When they start to say negative things-you leave the room/area. Make duaa to Allah for comfort as well as ask Allah to wake up your parent’s hearts as to the damage they are doing.

•Fill your mind with positive, upbuilding images of yourself as well as visualize good words such as “I am kind, I am loving, I am smart, I am capable”.

• Try to surround yourself with others who are up lifting and positive.

•Go to Islamic events and festivities, attend educational classes at the Masjid and strive to make good friends who will value you and whom you will enjoy socializing with.


As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to us, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I can imagine you feel very hurt, sad, betrayed and confused over your parent’s treatment of you. As parents, we want the best for our children.

However, often times a parent will go about things in the wrong way hoping to get positive results by saying negative things. This never works and is often done because it is a learned behavior, meaning it may be how their parents treated them when they were growing up.

Putting down our children, insulting them, wishing bad upon them only creates hurt feelings, low self-esteem and feelings of being unloved and unworthy. While this is not the intention of the parent, it is often the psychological outcome of verbal and emotional abuse.

Emotional Abuse

In regards to your parents (especially your mom), making bad duaa for you such as “may you never succeed, may you be given blindness” and things like that, it is haram to wish these things upon anyone especially one’s child. As you know Allah does not accept these kinds of duaa’s, in fact, your parents may be held accountable to Allah for these harsh and haram words.

You stated that you feel like you can’t succeed in anything in life and you try your best not to make them angry but they are very hard to please. You also stated that no matter how good you are they expect more from you and when you make a small mistake they make a bad duaa against you.  This behavior from your parents is unacceptable and abusive.

I would kindly suggest that when they start to say negative things-you leave the room/area. Make duaa to Allah for comfort as well as ask Allah to wake up your parent’s hearts as to the damage they are doing.

Regarding your own self-esteem, feelings of worth, as well as your abilities in this life, please know that you are a good person, a good Muslim, and a valuable, worthy human being, It is understandable why you feel like you can’t succeed in anything and I can understand that your self-esteem is probably very low given how your parents treat you.

However please do strive to overcome these feelings of inadequacy as they are byproducts of verbal and emotional abuse.

I kindly suggest that insha’Allah you take the time every day to write down your good qualities and reflect upon them. Look at the good in you that Allah has blessed you with as well as the continuing good you will attain.

When you hear negative words from your parents (mom) visualize a shield deflecting the negative words away from you and seek refuge in Allah.

I suggest this not because the duaa’s will be answered (because they will not be), but because it is a method to train your mind not to accept the negative/bad things said about you.

Fill your mind with positive, upbuilding images of yourself as well as visualize good words such as “I am kind, I am loving, I am smart, I am capable”.

Insha’Allah if you remind your self daily of the good person you are it will negate some of the hurtful effects of your parent’s words.

Claiming your True Self

Insha’Allah, try to surround yourself with others who are up lifting and positive. Go to Islamic events and festivities, attend educational classes at the Masjid and strive to make good friends who will value you and whom you will enjoy socializing with.

Often times when parents are emotional/verbally abusive we need support to get a realistic picture of who we truly are.

Solid, loving friends (and family) can provide that support. This is a sad situation. However, it is not a reflection of who you are but rather a reflection of who your parents are.

Somewhere in time, they may have been treated in this same manner and thus treat you as they were treated.

You do not have to accept this, you can rise above these negative influences and walk in your own blessings and goodness.  In reality, what you are going through is because of your parent’s (mom’s) own personal issues.  It has nothing to do with you.

It will take some effort, but I am confident that insha’Allah you will be able to overcome these negative, abusive words and love yourself for the wonderful person you are and will continue to be.

 

We wish you the best. You are in our prayers.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Do You Have Abusive Parents? Here Are 4 Things You Can Do

Feeling Imprisoned by My Parents

My Parents’ Insults Hurt Me




About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

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