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My Son Wants to See His Father Who Deserted Us

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Nov 02, 2017

Question

As-salamu Alaykoem, I have been sitting my iddat from Sep and I just wanted to know if I’m doing the right thing. My ex-husband doesn't give me money for our son and had a job and just left it for no reason. My son wants to go sleep over weekends but I feel why should my x-husband able to have him weekends if he doesn’t even help me. My son is 6 years old and wants to see his father.

Counselor

Answer


Son

 As Salaam Alaykum,

 

It is always hard to hear when children get tangled in the actions and choices of married people. It does happen.

Emotionally, I’m sure your feelings have told you this decision makes sense. For what reason should he be able to enjoy this cute little boy without helping with his care on a daily basis as you do? It doesn’t feel fair to you at all.

And then, we look at the reality of it all. Your son has a father and your son wants to see his father. However, your son’s father may not have been the spouse you wanted him to be for you. Honestly, your son’s father may even have his own concerns about the marriage. I don’t know and will not seek to comment on that.

However, I do know this little boy has two parents that love him very much and he has a right to be loved by each of you. This little boy has a right to have the best of both parents regardless of what happens with your marriage. Your son is not a part of the marriage. You and your husband are. Your son is a result of the marriage. He deserves to see his father and to have time with his mother also.

As a mother, you will not get to choose how your son’s father chooses to parent. You will get to cooperate with one another regarding his care and scheduling of visits. However, if not allowing him to visit his father on the weekend means he will not see him at all, this can do further damage to their relationship.

Next, I would advise any parent to be sure their issues, anger, and frustration with one another does not come out through their parenting. It is never a good idea for a child to be used as a source of pain, bargaining or a weapon between two adults. I do not believe this is your goal or intent at all. However, when we make decisions based on how we feel and not the needs of the family, our decisions become clouded.

Feelings are real and valid, but they are not always the best decision makers! Use your wits and please ensure your son and his father are able to continue their relationship even on the weekends. This is a start for a new change for your family.

Iddat seems like an ending, but it is the beginning of many new changes for your family unit. Their time together may increase at a later date, but the father-son interactions have to begin somewhere. For now, let the weekends begin so your son will know that whatever decisions his parents make do not have any reflection on how much he is loved and adored as the son to each of you.

May Allah grant you good. Ameen.

***
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About Naaila Moumaris-Clay

Naa'ila Clay, the wife of the husband-wife counseling duo "That Clay Couple", holds firm to the belief that Islam, clinical interventions, old-fashioned wit & wisdom will get the relief for your head & your heart in relationships. Mrs. Clay has a slew of training, certifications, created marriage & premarital courses, co-authored 2 e-books and has an M.S. in Mental Health Counseling. You can contact her: www.hasanandnaaila.com or www.facebook.com/thatclaycouple.

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