I have a question regarding forcing kids on fasting. I have 3 kids: 13, 10, 7 and my wife insists that they should fast during Ramadan.
I argue with her a lot because of this issue and I think maybe the elder one can fast but the younger 2 are not ready yet.
She forces them to fast and I don't think this is good for them. What is the suitable age for kids to try fasting? and How can I convince her not to force them?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•Forcing them to fast may make the whole experience very unenjoyable for them and they won’t get from the experience what they should be
•Disagreements like this are often best solved with some kind of compromise.
•The most important thing is hearing and understanding each other’s perspective and coming to a mutual agreement that at least satisfies you both to some degree.
•Allowing them to fast, but not in a forceful way would be a good deal between the husband and the wife.
Wa-’Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh brother,
Raising children in the best way is a tough job. There will almost always be disagreement between parents regarding one issue or another. In this case, you feel that your children are too young to fast (at least the 2 youngest anyway) and it is not good for them, but your wife disagrees and forces them to fast.
When such disagreements arise, the first thing is not to allow your children to be aware of this disagreement or let them hear any of your arguings because this can have detrimental effects on them. Instead, this is something for two of you to talk about privately.
The best way to approach the topic is obviously to do so in a calm manner, otherwise, she will not be willing to see the situation from any other way and may continue to force them.
Before you have this calm conversation with her, be equipped with all the reasons that you want to tell her that you don’t agree with them fasting so that she can see things from another perspective too.
Approaching her in a calm manner is more likely to encourage her to think outside her current ideas. Likewise, you should be prepared to listen to and accept her own justifications for why she wishes them to fast. Let her know why you don’t think it is good for them and perhaps explain that this is why it is not compulsory for them to fast at their young age.
Also, let her know your concerns about forcing them to fast. Forcing them to fast may make the whole experience very unenjoyable for them and they won’t get from the experience what they should be.
This will make them dislike the month of Ramadan. Perhaps, in the future, when they are not with you, they will feel more tempted to not fast as it was something forced upon them when they didn’t have the choice.
Then, as adults, when they do have a choice, they may feel more obliged to exercise their free will and object to fasting. She needs to understand the potential effects that forcing a child to do this kind of thing may have in the future.
On the other hand, she may also say that no harm will come to them. After all, there are many children globally living in poverty who are even younger than your own children, who fast as if its Ramadan every day and still survive. So, why can’t your own children do it? Especially since once the 30 days are up they can eat as normal again.
Furthermore, she might argue that it is good practice for them for when it becomes obligatory upon them in some years and, therefore, they will be in a better position to keep their facts as they have managed it from a much younger age.
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Disagreements like this are often best solved with some kind of compromise. In which case, you need to be willing to do things her way a little, and she needs to be able to meet you half way also.
Being prepared to offer and accept these potential compromises will help you all to move forward smoothly without arguments.
It may be that you agree that the younger ones can fast, but instead of it being every day, make it every other day, or at weekends. Or, alternatively, if they are too fast every day, perhaps they could fast half days to be able to experience the pangs of thirst and hunger that come with fasting.
This will help them to appreciate those that don’t have but in such a way that you don’t feel like you are unnecessarily depriving them. This is something that you can ask them.
Give them some control over how and when they fast. As it stands they don’t seem to have any input in what you and your wife are arguing about, so hearing their own perspective might also help you and your wife come to a better agreement.
Essentially, the most important thing is hearing and understanding each other’s perspective and coming to a mutual agreement that at least satisfies you both to some degree. So, perhaps allowing them to fast, but not in a forceful way.
May Allah (swt) bring peace and blessing into your household during this blessed month. May He (swt) make you and your wife the comfort of each other and your children the coolness of your eyes.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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