My Parents Always Fight, What Should I Do? | About Islam
Home > Ask About Parenting > Raising Positive Children > My Parents Always Fight, What Should I Do?

My Parents Always Fight, What Should I Do?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Apr 11, 2019

Question

I’ve been exhausted for long now, I feel very empty, very tired and not motivated for hobbies I used to love, school, life, eating or even breathing. All I’ve been doing lately is crying my heart out and thinking about things I can never change. This all is because of my parents, my lovely parents, the ones I want them to always be happy and healthy in life, the ones I’d give up my life for, the ones who makes me feel the saddest. Yes, I have a loving father and mother who are at their 50s and 2 elder brothers at almost their 30s and a younger sister who is 15 years old and me 17.

I have been lucky a lot, Allah saved us from Iraq before the war to a European country where we know no one. We all thought we would be the best people since we live here, our family back in Iraq always envy since they think we are a happy family here. Yes, we alhamdulillah got a big house where we all live but my family changed a lot, I think losing our faith made them this way.

My mom doesn't pray, although my dad is very religious, while my elder brother doesn’t even pray. My dad is very religious which I am thankful for. My mom is a good wife and mother, she feeds us, takes cares of us and the house. But my dad never talks with her good, he never feels thankful for my mother, he always fights with her over small things. My elder brother who doesn’t pray is on his side, and my brother makes things worse, when they fight, he curses mom. My father never stops him.

Some days ago we fought and my brother cursed at me because I couldn’t walk, my father didn’t do anything. It feels like my dad doesn’t care about us anymore, he doesn’t take care of me and my sister, we don’t like to go outside with friends, we never do and thus we are feeling lonely. I’ve tried to talk with dad, my second brother who prays did but father never changes.

I told him to divorce mother cause me and my sister are suffering a lot but mom says he is never going to let her go. We don’t go outside the country cause dad is scared, we never go outside the house unless the family is on good terms, I'm very depressed and I feel like my soul is eating me alive. I also lost faith. I’m suffering from depression because of them. I just want them to be happy and I want Allah to guide them to the right path. what should I do? Please help me.

I'm a sick person with a bone disease which makes it a lot harder for me to walk, sit down on the floor or pray standing are super scared of the future with this family. I always pray and make duaa for Allah to guide them but it has been so long and I’m scared something will happen to my mother, she’s the one taking care of me after all and I can’t figure out life with my disease. Please help me.

Counselor

Answer


In this counseling answer:

•It could be that your family is emotionally overwhelmed right now and needs a mental health intervention to deal with all the changes and stress that you all have been going through.

•Sit down and talk to your mom or your dad, whoever you are closer to. Ask them if it is possible that you as a family seek counseling.

•It could be an Imam at your local Masjid, a Community Counseling Center, or a referral from your family doctor.

•The more you engage yourself in positive Islamic upbuilding activities, the better you will feel. You need to be surrounded by a loving, positive Islamic community.

•Please do continue standing up for your mom.


As salamu alaykum,

Thank you for writing into us. Sister, it seems as if you and your family have been through a lot. According to you, you feel that you have been blessed because Allah saved you from Iraq before the war, from Syria before the war, to where you then went to a European country, where you are now. That is a lot of stress and trauma. It is not only on you, but your whole family.

Possible Trauma & Adjustments

I’m not sure what horrors you or your family may have seen during all these moves and transitions, however I can imagine it must have been very difficult. May Allah continue to bless and guide you and your family. As you are now an immigrant in a European country, not only do you have to adjust to a new home situation, but now that you are in a safe place you and your family may have to deal with the trauma that you may have been through in the past.

I am not sure if you and your family are traumatized or not, I do not have enough information. However, if you have been exposed to traumatic events, trauma if not dealt with, will surface as fear, depression, anxiety, anger, and other mental health symptoms. It could be that your family is emotionally overwhelmed right now and needs a mental health intervention to deal with all the changes and stress that you all have been going through.

Sister, you sound like you are depressed based on how you described what you feel. I understand that you love your family very much and this is very hurtful. I also can imagine that each member of your family is suffering in their own way. I would kindly suggest sister that insha’Allah, when things are calm, sit down and talk to your mom or your dad, whoever you are closer to.

Ask them if it is possible that you as a family seek counseling. You may wish to point out that you have been through a lot as a family and that it would be beneficial to address the dysfunction that is going on within the family. Allah in His Mercy, did enable people to get an education, and have a white heart to help others to become doctors, therapists, counselors, nurses, and other career paths that help people.

Seeking Help

Allah states that He will not change the condition of a people until they change themselves. I’m not an Islamic scholar, however, I do take this to mean that when there is something not right or something is wrong, we are to make every effort to change it or heal it.

This would include reaching out to those who have been trained to help. It could be an Imam at your local Masjid, a Community Counseling Center, or a referral from your family doctor. It would be very beneficial if the person who is doing therapy is trained in trauma as well as knowledgeable about the immigration process and the stressors of relocating to a new country.

Insha’Allah sister, your family will be open to receiving counseling. If they are not, I kindly advise that you go for counseling yourself. Counseling will help with your depression insha’Allah, help you to adjust to your situation, and give you a perspective on your family dynamics.

In addition to counseling, please do read Quran, make duaa and attend the Masjid for prayers and other Islamic events. The more you engage yourself in positive Islamic upbuilding activities, the better you will feel. You need to be surrounded by a loving, positive Islamic community.

Paradise Lies Beneath the Feet of the Mother

Insha’Allah sister, please do continue standing up for your mom. It is terrible that your brother talks to her in this way, and that the family has made her a scapegoat for their problems. I can imagine she feels very much alone and hurt. Maybe suggest that you and she go out for lunch, or for a walk in a nice park just to have some time alone as mother and daughter. I’m sure she would appreciate your support and your love at this time.

Sister, I am confident that you will get through this. You have been through worse and Allah in His loving mercy has brought you through the darkness. Allah will bring you and your family through this test as well, you just have to reach out for help and trust in Allah.

You and your family are in our prayers, please do get counseling as soon as possible.

Salam

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more: 

 

What My Parents Are Doing Frightens Me

My Parents Always Fight, Please Help!

 

 




About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

Add Comment


find out more!