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My Husband Allows My Teenage Kids Too Much Freedom

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Questioner	S (45_female_UK)
Reply Date	Dec 16, 2018
Question	I don’t know how to deal with this situation. My husband allows my daughter, who is 21 years old, to go out whenever she wants and come whenever she wants, even if it’s 3-4 o’clock in the morning. He says he trusts her, and I should trust them more. My son, who is 19, does the same thing; he comes and goes whenever he wants. I grew up in a conservative house, and quite often I felt I lost my teenage life and early adulthood life, and my husband says he does not want this for his children. I told them mainly that if my daughter has any Muslim friends, most likely they would not be out till 3-4 o'clock in the morning. Sometimes, when I wake up to pray at 7 o’clock, she walks in and goes to sleep. Their father prays every now and then. Religion is not part of my kids’ lives, and I struggle making them understand that it should be, but their father makes it easy for them and I am viewed as this lunatic person. My only conversation now is with Allah to guide them before it’s too late. I ask my son what he will do when his dad leaves this world; will he be able to offer a prayer for him, or will he rely on total strangers to do it since he does not know how to pray? It goes from one ear to the other. What advice can you give me please? Thank you. May Allah reward you for all your hard work.
Counselor	Maryam Bachmeier
Answer

In this counseling answer:

“When your daughter walks in when you are waking up to pray, ask her if you can hug her. Tell her how much you love her. Then just let her know you are scared and worried when she disappears like that and that you are glad that Allah protected her and that she is ok. Then go and pray. Keep the lines of communication open. Once your children realize that you are no longer going to preach, they might start asking you questions. Take things one day at a time.”

Wa ‘Alaykum As-Salam Sister,

This is a very difficult trial for you. The amount of patience that you will need is enormous. Yet, this is what you will need. Right now, your example is the most important thing for your family to see; also your sweetness, your love, your nurturing and your faith are essential.

Your children are too old to teach by preaching, and preaching to a husband has never worked.

You may think it sounds silly, but honestly, get some ear plugs to muffle the sound of the music. Do your prayers on time. Pray for your family when you pray. Do not give up as ALLAH will hear you prayers. It may take years before you see the effects of your dedication, but don’t give up.

When your daughter walks in when you are waking up to pray, ask her if you can hug her. Tell her how much you love her. Then just let her know you are scared and worried when she disappears like that and that you are glad that ALLAH protected her and that she is ok. Then go and pray.

Check out this counseling video

Keep the lines of communication open. Once your children realize that you are no longer going to preach, they might start asking you questions. Take things one day at a time.

It does sound like your children have reign of the home. You can talk to your husband and ask him if there can be some restrictions. Let him know how uncomfortable you are that you cannot pray in peace – but only with your husband. It will just work better this way.

As a mom at this point, being gentle and unassuming with the children is the best approach. Then, when the relationship is more connected and they are willing to listen to you and your needs, you can let them know what your needs are, and how much you would appreciate it if they would show you some care and concern. That is only right.

But to start with, use the ear plugs and show them what ALLAH’s spirit is doing with you and what He is creating in you.

May Allah be with you.

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