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How Will I Cope With Not Having a Baby?

Questioner

H

Reply Date

Feb 15, 2019

Question

As-salamu `alaikum,

My near future husband and I are getting married next month. I know that he wants children and I would love to have his children but due to health issues I cannot. This makes me sad but he still wants to be with me. We truly love each other. I cannot even carry a child or have even eggs to donate toward this.

Even if he was to have a child from someone else I would still raise it with love as my own. Money is a big obstacle. We are just starting out and will not be able to afford all the costs of surrogate or adoptions. Again this makes me sad. How can two people that would provide a loving home under God’s guidance have this kind of an obstacle to overcome? Could you help us? Thank you.

Counselor

Answer


baby, having baby

In this counseling answer:

“I would kindly suggest dear sister that insha’Allah you start your marriage with happiness, hope and with the intent of having a wonderful marriage wherein this issue of your not being able to have a child is not over-shadowing you and your husband’s bonding and building with each other.”


As-salamu alaykum sister,

Without knowing your specific health issues relating to having a child, it is hard to say what medical options there are.

However as you stated you could not carry a child or donate the egg, it appears you have looked into these possibilities know there are no options as this is concerned.

I’m not sure how extensively you researched your childbearing status, but if you have not gotten a second opinion I would suggest doing so.

It appears you are open to his taking a second wife to have a child however you must also understand that she would also be his wife (as you are) and that would be their child, though I am sure given the right situation and understanding you could be a part of that child’s life in a positive way.

It appears your future husband at this time feels he would like to marry you despite your inability to have children.

Many couples consciously decide not to have children (though in Islam not so often) for various reasons.

I would kindly suggest dear sister that insha’Allah you start your marriage with happiness, hope and with the intent of having a wonderful marriage wherein this issue of your not being able to have a child is not over-shadowing you and your husband’s bonding and building with each other.


Check out this counseling video 


As he knows you cannot conceive a child, I would focus on the two of you for now.

Possibly in the future, as you grow together as well as become more financially stable, you both can discuss a child via a second wife (with you understanding it would be their child) or via caring and raising a child who does not have parents.

There are many children in this world who do not have parents due to various reasons, and insha’Allah perhaps Allah SWT will gift you both with the blessing of parenting a child who is alone in the world.

But for now dear sister, I would kindly suggest that you and your husband go into this marriage with the intention of building with each other first.

You are in our prayers, please do let us know how you are.

Salam


Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 

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About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

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