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I’m Feeling Lonely After Being A Mom

Questioner

M

Reply Date

Feb 17, 2019

Question

As salamu `alaykum,

After I gave birth to my daughter, I stopped working. Consequently, I lost lots of social contacts and I felt lonely and became ill numerous times. At this moment, our child is 2-year-old, we spend all day at home together, we annoy each other. My child needs to play with others, and I miss my personal time. Sometimes, I get very angry at her. When my husband comes home from work he sometimes loses his temper.

My husband and I were wondering if you could advise us. How can we be better parents? How can we spend our time better with our daughter? I also have a question for myself: is a woman allowed to work, with her husband helping during the house routine? For some reason, people make me believe that a husband's place in marriage is only working and that he shouldn't be involved with all house matters and parenting. Thank you

Counselor

Answer


I'm Feeling Lonely After Being A Mom

In this counseling answer:

•You and daughter need to get out and socialize with other moms and children. This will connect you to other mothers who may be going through the same changes, stressors and loneliness.

•Make time for yourself to pursue a hobby, go out for dinner with a friend, take a class or join a gym. These are the “special times” moms need to dedicate to themselves to feel connected and balanced.


As-salamu alaykum sister,
I understand your frustration and loneliness. While I am not sure if this is your first child, many mothers go through these feelings.

Especially if you had a career, or went to a university and are used to the intellectual, creative and social stimulation from peers. Going from a working woman to a full-time stay at home mom can be a big change. However, you can find much joy and satisfaction in this if you can find a balance.

You and daughter need to get out and socialize with other moms and children. This will connect you to other mothers who may be going through the same changes, stressors and loneliness.

It will help you to develop social ties that can be fulfilled while at the same time give your daughter an opportunity to gain social skills amongst other children her age.

Additionally, I would kindly recommend that if possible, you make time for yourself to pursue a hobby, go out for dinner with a friend, take a class or join a gym. These are the “special times” moms need to dedicate to themselves to feel connected and balanced.

The same goes for your husband. He needs time to himself as well. Most importantly, you both need alone time together.

This will help you both to reconnect, reduce stress, and rekindle good feelings again insha’Allah. If you have family members or friends who can babysit while you have your “self-care time” and time with your husband, I would highly suggest utilizing those connections.


Check out this counseling video


When you both are closer, more balanced and less stressed, you will also become better parents. Going for family outings to Islamic events (festivals, parks, events, etc) is also “family” building.

As far as a woman working, of course, a woman can work, it is her choice unless you made an agreement with your husband that when you had children, you would stop. In that case, you both would have to re-evaluate how it is working for you and reach a compromise. Husband’s help around the house as well.

The Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) helped around the home, he even mended garments that needed sewing! Marriage is a union in which each one has specific roles, yet they are not confined to these roles as we see from how the Prophet (PBUH) helped around the house and his first wife Khadija was a businesswoman.

Thus, from our beloved Prophet (PBUH) we can see the beauty and diversity in a marriage that is truly based on Islamic values.

Lastly, Insha’Allah, both you and your husband should taking parenting classes. Parenting classes can provide you with skill sets for dealing with stress, handling difficult behaviors from children as well as teach you how to parent better. They are offered at community centers as well as some Islamic Centers and Masjids, which would be more ideal.

We wish you the best sister, please let us know how you are doing.

Salam

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

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