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Parents Ruined My Life with Their Bad Comments

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Mar 15, 2019

Question

I always feel that I have been neglected and bullied during the process of growing up. I was physically abused several times by my parents. They used to punish me at any complaints they would hear of without cross-checking. Their approach always took me against them, I took bad steps in my teenage life. I got married at twenty-one, without my parent's consent. They accepted my marriage after four years.

Alhamdulillah, I am fine with my husband now. But my father would always try to criticise my husband at his absence, in fact, he would criticise his name. Our financial condition is not very well, but well enough to lead life respectfully. My father would always put me through a feeling that I am a failure. I avoid going to my parents’ house and communicate as less as possible. Is it something wrong that I am doing? Please, let me know if a child is abused by the parents, what are the consequences?

Counselor

Answer


Parents Ruined My Life with Their Bad Comments

In this counseling answer:

•Tell them that the way they talk to you makes you feel upset, or else have someone else tell them that they can see that their comments towards you are making you upset.

•Repel their bad comments with kind as difficult as it is and in sha Allah they will stop as they come to feel uncomfortable behaving in such a way to someone who is so kind back to them.

•Show a strong front with your husband. Let them see that you are strong and happy together and that no matter what they say about him or your marriage does not make a difference.


Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Unfortunately when parents abuse their children as yours did you the consequences do not only occur I  the moment for the child but last into an adult too. It can often cause people to go completely astray as a means of coping with the psychological difficulties. It seems that at some point you did experience this as a teenager, but alhamdulilah, you successfully passed this phase and now happily married.

It is unfortunate that your parents continue to abuse you in more physical ways even now as an adult. In Islam, we are obliged to respect our parents, but that does not mean that we should stand for their abuse. However, it is possible to maintain ties to abide by Islamic obligation, without maintaining so much contact that you are exposed to such abuse on a regular basis. Therefore the way you are managing your situation at the moment, Masha Allah is commendable. You are maintaining contact, but have kept it minimal.

What you need to know is that you are not a failure. Don’t let your parent’s comments get to you in this way. Success and failure are in the eyes of Allah. After all, He will be the one to judge you at the end of the day. Therefore, pay heed to any comments they make, and keep minimal cot act as you are.

The fact that you are even concerned about the consequences of your behavior in the Hereafter suggests a level of taqwa and awareness and fear of Allah. These are important traits that you will be judged on, not on your level of success and wealth in this life. You also continue to respect your parents despite their comments, which again, is a virtuous deed.

If you feel comfortable to now that you’re an adult, you might even tell them that the way they talk to you makes you feel upset, or else have someone else tell them that they can see that their comments towards you are making you upset ad it may be that they have gotten into a habit of making these comments and don’t even see the hurt it causes you any more.

Repel their bad comments with kind as difficult as it is and in sha Allah they will stop as they come to feel uncomfortable behaving in such a way to someone who is so kind back to them. It is difficult to be mean to someone when they are nothing but kind to you.

Show a strong front with your husband. Let them see that you are strong and happy together and that no matter what they say about him or your marriage does not make a difference, because he makes you happy and that’s all that matters and all that should matter to them too.

Do understand, however, that behaving kindly back towards them does not excuse their behavior toward ls you. Their abusive ways are unacceptable and you are responding in a very respectful way. May Allah reward you. Continue to pray for them, for Allah to turn and soften their hearts.

May Allah give you the strength to be patient with the situation and reward your respectful behavior towards your parents.

 

Ameen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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