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Married Under Parent’s Pressure, But Now Wants Divorce

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

May 03, 2018

Question

A-salamu Alaikum.

I was married last year and this is the second wedding for me and my husband. This marriage took place more due to parents pressure. As I never felt any feeling to getting married to him. I had earlier came across a proposal of a single bachelor Man from a religious family and was ready to accept me and my daughter. And I wanted to marry him. As I found him good in all aspects.

In this present wedding, my husband was previously married for 10 months and had regular physical relations with his ex-wife throughout the duration. But she never conceived. It's been 4 months since my wedding with this person and with very regular physical relations- many times every day- that he always initiates. But I haven't conceived either and his parents pressure to give them a grandkid. But they don't realize that a health issue would be from there son.

As Alhamdulillah I am already blessed with a girl of 7years age from my previous marriage. I am in my 30's and my husband in his 40's age. I don't want to prolong this matter, hoping and expecting as age is a concern. And his ex-wife with 10months relation couldn't conceive and neither me from him.

So with the mutual understanding, I want to end this. Because I really want to get into being a mother again and bless siblings for my daughter. I just don't feel like prolonging such relationship practically. Kindly advise and help.

Counselor

Answer


In this counseling answer:

• Be a little more patient, try to find the good in your husband and realize that it has only been 4 months.

•Focus on your new husband by getting to know him, spending time with him, bonding, getting closer, enjoying each others company as well as bonding as a family as you have a daughter.

•You may want to request testing for both of you, not just him because while you have a child, that was seven years ago and a lot of things with our female health can change within that time, things that we may not even be aware of.


As salamu alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to us with your most important concerns.

As I understand, you were married last year and this is your second marriage. You stated the marriage took place more due to parental pressure and them liking him than you actually like him.

In fact, you preferred to marry someone else, but married your current husband. You stated that you never had “an inclination” of getting married to him, so I’m wondering why you did marry him and not the other one?

I understand parental pressure, however, it’s also important that you make a decision based on your compatibility with the person you intended to marry. However, you did marry the one your parents wanted you to marry despite your feelings and sadly you are experiencing issues.

My heart goes out to you sister and may Allah reward you for trying to please your parents but in Islam, it is our choice who we marry as long as he fits the Islamic criteria.

You stated that your husband was previously married for 10 months and although he had regular relations with his ex-wife she never conceived a child.

You stated that now it’s been 4 months since your wedding and you’ve had regular physical relations with your husband, “many times a day” and you have not conceived yet either.  Currently, your worried about not getting pregnant because you’re in your 30s and you would like another child.

This is understandable dear sister that you would be concerned given his first wife did not get pregnant.  You further discussed ending this relationship (mutually) and not prolonging it, so I think you are contemplating divorce.

Sister, insha’Allah I would kindly advise you to be able to be a little more patient try to find the good in your husband and realize that it has only been 4 months as you stated and 4 months is not a long time.

I realize that possibly you feel pressured because you’re in your thirties and you do want another child and you may fear that he might not be able to have children because in his last marriage his ex-wife didn’t conceive within the 10-month relationship either.

While his first wife did not conceive, that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with him or you or his ex-wife. It could be that there were extenuating circumstances as to the reason why she didn’t conceive.   Some couples don’t conceive until a year or two after they’re married.

The Baby Center (1) states that “Taking up to two years to get pregnant is normal for some couples. It may feel far from normal if it’s happening to you. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you have a fertility problem. About half of the couples who don’t get pregnant within a year will conceive the following year, if they keep trying.”

Oftentimes when people are first married there’s a lot of excitement, adjustment, as well as stress and happiness during the first year as the husband and wife are getting to know each other (in your case you did not want to marry him).

Often times when a husband and wife are more comfortable with each other and feel relaxed and not nervous or stressed, conception is more easily attained. I’m not saying that you and your husband are stressed, however, it may be something worth evaluating as research does show a link between high stress and problems with conception.

At the present time I will kindly suggest insha’Allah, that since you said you have only been married for 4 months, that you focus on your new husband by getting to know him, spending time with him, bonding, getting closer, enjoying each others company as well as bonding as a family as you have a daughter.

Sister, I know this is not the man you wanted to marry, but perhaps if you look for some good in him, you will begin to feel for him as well. If after maybe a year or so you don’t conceive, then I would suggest that a medical evaluation be initiated.

True he may have problems getting his wife pregnant but you don’t know that yet. You may want to request testing for both of you, not just him because while you have a child, that was seven years ago and a lot of things with our female health can change within that time, things that we may not even be aware of.

I’m not saying lack of conception in 4 months is because of you, and I’m not saying it’s because of him, I don’t know.  I’m just saying because testing can be expensive, and you are newly married, insha’Allah waits about a year and during that time focus on bonding as a couple.

Insha’Allah, Allah will make this easy for you sister.  Insha’Allah He will bless you both with mercy, affection, and love for one another as well as a baby. If not, or if you really just cannot stay in this marriage due to severe incompatibility then you know you are free to divorce. No one should be forced to spend their life with someone they do not like.

You deserve to be with someone you care for and love, as does your husband deserve a wife who cares for and loves him.

We wish you the best you’re in our prayers

1-https://www.babycentre.co.uk/a1813/how-long-will-it-take-to-get-pregnant

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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