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I’m Losing My Temper With My Children, Help Me!

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Nov 01, 2017

Question

As-salamu Alaikum, I live in a joint family. I have 2 kids. I love them a lot but due to house chore pressure and also my husband's critical comments and also in-laws, I usually feels too overwhelmed and under pressured in getting things done and not reaching my day to day chores to end which makes me restless and yell a lot at my children to get their things done along with like homework, eating, going to park etc everything, without that they don't seem to listen to me, what should I do? I feel too low in the end. My husband also never supports me emotionally or physically and sometimes financially also and puts blames for every wrong thing that goes with the kids or around. This situation puts me at no end but for the sake of my children I'm bearing all the harsh comments from my husband and in-laws, but I don't know what will be the outcome because the thìngs around making me very harsh and patientless in dealing with things and people around.

Counselor

Answer


children

In this counseling answer:

” I would advise you to remember the children are not the issue here. Your main issues come from the adults around you. It would be great if you could resolve those issues and concerns with them. InshaAllah. However, I also know and believe human beings have the capacity to heal themselves. You may be the best source of solution for your mental and emotional needs at this time. ”


As-Salaam Alaykum,

This sounds very draining, tiring and I can see how you may feel quite sad at this time. It feels good to know you recognize you are not being the best person or parent you can be for your children. You and your children deserve the best you. I realize how hard it can be to function at your best under these circumstances.

Managing the daily tasks of a home can be so damaging! I know this personally. I recommend being realistic with yourself about what it is you can do on a daily basis. Inform your husband and your in-laws of your daily plan and what it is you seek to complete for the day.

Perhaps they can offer some input into modifications. It is my hope they will not add to it. InshaAllah, but this action allows for you to be fully transparent with them by informing your family members of your plan for the day.

InshaAllah, it will remove or reduce any assumptions you are failing to complete tasks. Getting children to complete homework is a hard task for many parents. You are not alone. Please, do not blame yourself for struggling in this area. A few tips you can do is as follows:

1. Allow the children a time-limited break when they come home from school such as 30 minutes to get a snack, go to the restroom and to wind down

2. After the break, set the children in the same area each day to complete homework. You may want to keep them within your eyesight.

3. Ensure the children have everything they need to complete their assignments such as paper, pencils or calculator. This helps to limit their excuses for getting up.

4. Make yourself available for help for the children if they have questions. Honestly, for the first few times, you may need to sit down with them periodically so the children will know you are serious!

5. Tell them what their consequence will be for completing their homework such as extra television time or a snack before bed time. Also, let them know what privilege they will lose if they do not comply with you. And follow through! If you continue to yell or to threaten them without giving a consequence, the children will not take you seriously. They need to know you intend to set limits for them and will do it. If not, do know children do not care about parents yelling or fussing as long as they get to do what they want!

Lastly, my dear sister, you need a break! I know it will be hard to get one, but 15 minutes of dhikr, a long bath or sipping a cup of hot tea can make all of the difference in the world! It does not have to be a full day or a week away from everything. Taking 10-15 minutes mental breaks can make the biggest difference in your life and with your children. The better you feel about yourself, the better you the children are able to get from you.

I’m sure it is hard for you. I would advise you to remember the children are not the issue here. Your main issues come from the adults around you. It would be great if you could resolve those issues and concerns with them. InshaAllah. However, I also know and believe human beings have the capacity to heal themselves. You may be the best source of solution for your mental and emotional needs at this time. I say this because you cannot control what others choose to do, including your husband and in-laws, but you can choose to make changes for you. InshaAllah you will.

***

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About Naaila Moumaris-Clay

Naa'ila Clay, the wife of the husband-wife counseling duo "That Clay Couple", holds firm to the belief that Islam, clinical interventions, old-fashioned wit & wisdom will get the relief for your head & your heart in relationships. Mrs. Clay has a slew of training, certifications, created marriage & premarital courses, co-authored 2 e-books and has an M.S. in Mental Health Counseling. You can contact her: www.hasanandnaaila.com or www.facebook.com/thatclaycouple.

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