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I Don’t Want to Talk to Dad After Beating Mom

06 May, 2021
Q As-salam `alaikum, My question is: When we were still young our dad used to severely beat our mother and they divorced and then we grew up with our mother. Now our dad is coming back but we are annoyed with him about what he did. What should we do cause even now I don't want to talk to him or even smile at him? What should I do according to Islam? Thank you.

Answer

 In this counseling answer:

•Talk to your mother about the situation to ensure that she is getting back with him because he will be a benefit to her and to her deen.

•Please do kindly speak to her about the situation, express your feelings and concerns in a respectful way.   Perhaps she can ease your mind with new knowledge.

• The best thing I can advise you is just be there for your mom. Try to accept whatever decision she makes and continue to show support and love.


A-salamu alaykum brother,

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Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear about the horrendous situation where your dad severely beat your mom.

Alhamdulilah they divorced and she got to a safe place.  May Allah swt reward her brother, for taking such good care of her children, after all, she went through.

Abuse can take such an emotional toll on a woman-your mom is strong.  May Allah swt also bless you and your siblings for being so loving, protective and supportive of your mom.

Now that you are grown up, your dad is coming back. I can imagine dear brother that you were shocked, hurt and angry upon hearing this.  Who wouldn’t be?  It is a natural response after all he did to her.  It is also a natural response as you watched her striving alone to provide for you and your siblings all these years.  Now here he comes…

I Don't Want to Talk to Dad After Beating Mom - About Islam

Naturally, you and your siblings are still annoyed with him about what he did and rightfully so. While you didn’t specify why he’s coming back or if your mother has been talking to him throughout the years that is between them.

At this point brother, there is nothing you can do about it as it will be your mom’s decision if she takes him back. Insha’Allah, your father has changed. Insha’Allah he is not a violent man anymore and he is following the path of Islam. Insha’Allah he can come back, make amends and bring something “to the table” to bring ease for your mother.

Talk to your mother

I will kindly suggest you talk to your mother about the situation to ensure that she is getting back with him because he will be a benefit to her and to her deen. It could be that maybe now that she is older, she may fear growing old alone and that is why she is letting your father come back.  It could also be that he has shown her that indeed he has changed and they are trying to “start over”.

Please do kindly speak to her about the situation, express your feelings and concerns in a respectful way.   Perhaps she can ease your mind with new knowledge. While it cannot erase the memories of what your father did, nor make up for all the years she suffered alone-it may give you some insight as to why she has made this decision.


Check out this counseling video


Accept her decision

Brother the best thing I can advise you is just be there for your mom. Try to accept whatever decision she makes and continue to show support and love. While you definitely have issues with your dad for good reason, it may be that this is by Allah’s will that they are back together if he has changed. Should they get back together, insha’Allahbrother try to be respectful? You do not have to try to have a relationship with him, but do show respect.

As we know Allah is most merciful and forgives. However, it is harder for us as humans to do so. It’s especially hard to forgive somebody who hurt our mothers, and it is devastating when the person who hurts our mothers is our dad. It is an emotionally charged situation.

Please do make duaa to Allah and ask him to relieve this pain, anger and hurt from your heart if He so deems it. I know this is hard. Pray to Allah to make this transition easy on both you your siblings. You are in our prayers we wish you the best.

And Allah knows best.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Dad: The Most Abusive Person I’ve Ever Seen

https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-about-parenting/family-ties/negligent-father-depressed-mother-daughter/

Father Returns, But We Are Now Muslims

About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.