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Don’t Feel Stable Enough to Start a Family

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jan 16, 2019

Question

Salam Aleikom. My problem is that I am married for a couple of years, but I do not feel we are stable yet to start a family; my husband tries to establish his own company; he works in a company that he hates by heart but has to stay to earn a living. We live in a place we do not like, we want to move. Inshallah. I am still studying at least for a year. I am 26. But the family is pressing, and my husband started to press me as well.

He does not think that we should wait before having children. But on the other hand, he tries to save every single penny and when I want to go out, do something together or travel - within the limits of our budget - he says we cannot afford it. So we cannot afford traveling and have some fun together, but we can afford a child?! I do not feel ready to have children. I feel I need stability - financially, emotionally, especially that I am scared of pregnancy and childbirth. I want to finish my studies because after that it will be hard. I am hesitant what to do.

Counselor

Answer


Don't Feel Stable Enough to Start a Family

In this counseling answer:

“It may be that you chose to wait a little longer and, therefore, will feel more comfortable to have a child knowing that your studies are complete and you have sufficient funds to raise a child. Being pregnant and giving birth whilst feeling this level of contentment will make the process a lot more stress-free which will make for an easier experience both physically and mentally.”


Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,

This is, indeed, a dilemma that many women face when they reach the age where it might be expected that they should begin having children. Certainly, we’re are encouraged in Islam to grow the Ummah by having children. They are a huge blessing and bring much happiness into the family’s life, but at the same time they are a huge responsibility and take up a lot of time and money which can be both physically and emotionally draining at times.

It is the latter of these facts that causes many to be hesitant to start a family, especially if they are not stable financially or have other commitments, such as study, that may interfere with the ability to feel like you could manage or even do a good job of raising a child.

To make things easier, the best thing to do first is to turn to Allah (swt) and ask Him to guide you on the matter.Ask Him (swt) to guide you to make the choice that will be best for you and most pleasing to Him. After this, you might take the time to really think about your options with a rational mind and weigh up the pros and cons of having a child now or waiting until you have finished your studies and are more financially stable.

It may be that you chose to wait a little longer and, therefore, will feel more comfortable to have a child knowing that your studies are complete and you have sufficient funds to raise a child. Being pregnant and giving birth whilst feeling this level of contentment will make the process a lot more stress-free which will make for an easier experience both physically and mentally.

You will also feel more confident that you will be bringing your child into a better environment and feel better able to raise them in the way you wish to raise them. This might also, perhaps, free up some funds in the mean time so that you and your husband can enjoy some more time together, getting to know each other and having fun together, before having children, which will obviously make spending time together like this more difficult.


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On the other hand, however, you also need to consider that Allah (swt) is the provider and will provide for any children you may have and, therefore, holding off having children because you don’t feel financially secure almost denies this role of Allah (swt). Physically, it is also a lot easy to bear the pains of pregnancy and childbirth whilst you are younger. The older you get, the more difficult it might become.

The same goes for taking care of a young child; whilst you are younger and more physically fit and able, it will be a lot easier to take care of busy children sooner rather than later. You might be more able to give them more of your energy which kids love.

Also, understand that it is entirely possible to get pregnant and give birth whilst studying, and if you struggle, then there are always options to delay finishing your studies, or cut the workload down and complete it over a longer time period. All institutions are well used to accommodating the same for pregnant women and mothers. Additionally, the fact that you have a family that you feel is pressuring you to have a family, means that you will have a family who

Also, understand that it is entirely possible to get pregnant and give birth whilst studying. If you struggle, then there are always options to delay finishing your studies or cut the workload down and complete it over a longer time period. All institutions are well used to accommodating the same for pregnant women and mothers. Additionally, the fact that you have a family that you feel is pressuring you to have a family, means that you will have a family who

Additionally, the fact that you have a family you feel is pressuring you to have a family means that you will have a family who is clearly willing to be there to support you through pregnancy and raising children – which is a huge blessing for any new mother.

That said, however, you should not feel pressured to do something against your will but just take into account that they will be on hand to help you with all the things that you are fearing about having children. That will be a big help to you, especially when it comes to completing your studies and spending time alone together with your husband to do those fun things you want to do.

May Allah (swt) guide you to make the decision that is best for you and most pleasing to Him. May He (swt) grant you with children that will be the coolness of your eyes when the time is right, and may He (swt) bring happiness in your marital and family relations.

Salam,

***

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About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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