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Son Acts Like a Girl In Front of the Mirror

03 November, 2018
Q As-aelamu Aleykum Counselor, I’m father of two children 12 years (girl) and 14 years (boy), I have a concern about my son, He spend too much time in front of the mirror more than his sister. Frankly I’m worried that his behavior is female-like than male.

Answer

In this counseling answer:

“Honor your son’s obsession with his body – to the extent that you let him know that it normal and healthy to want a woman to want you, and that there are other men (other body types) out there competing for their affections… But, it does not stop there! While women subconsciously need and want able-bodied men because we are dependent on them as providers and protectors, he has to be better than that too – in the competition, i.e., his “value” is not only that which is on the surface, i.e., his physical appearance.”


As-Salaamu ‘alaikum,

 

We live in a time of rampant homosexuality, no doubt. But, that does not mean that it is natural. It is not native to our human nature. God only knows why so many people feel it these days. I believe that the rise in homosexuality in our world is the product of our present unnatural environment. On the other hand, being overly concerned with one’s appearance is not a departure from our fitra (human nature).

And, it is not a “female” only. It is a sign of a burgeoning sexual awareness. I suspect that your son has become aware, and probably subconsciously, of his body in the context of how women see him – and other men in terms of “the competition”. I would celebrate his growth and enjoin with him about it if you can. Talk about why we cover our bodies. Talk about how our bodies serve our private lives (sex) and how they are for a very different purpose in our public lives (work, war, sports…).

Talk about how to keep our body healthy. Talk about Allah’s Wisdom in the creation of our hands and eyes. Show him how to see more that what he is looking at – how to see the “sign” of Allah in the creation of Allah.

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P.S. I learned (from a talk by Hamza Yusuf) that one of the Arabic words for “human being” (Sorry, I don’t remember the Arabic word) is “someone who needs intimacy”. When I learned this, I was so happy because it was so true for me, and so it gave me a great feeling of relief that I was not crazy because I wanted so badly to be married. So many of us feel an intense desire to be married. It is what keeps the human race going (procreating).


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So, honor your son’s obsession with his body – to the extent that you let him know that it normal and healthy to want a woman to want you, and that there are other men (other body types) out there competing for their affections… But, it does not stop there! While women subconsciously need and want able-bodied men because we are dependent on them as providers and protectors, he has to be better than that too – in the competition, i.e., his “value” is not only that which is on the surface, i.e., his physical appearance.

His taqwa, awareness of Allah’s Authority over him, is his “real” asset in terms of both his own soul and what he brings to his marriage. If he were in a car accident and permanently disabled, his wife would not stop loving him IF she married him for his soul, not his body. His soul is the much greater asset to a wife than his brawn! It may help to explain all this to him, InShaAllah, if you can—if he will let you, iA.

May Allah make it easy for you, InShaAllah.


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About Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem
Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem, an American, has a BA in English from UC Berkeley and is about to receive an MS degree in counseling psychology (Marriage and Family Therapy - MFT) from the Western Institute for Social Research. For over ten years, Nasira worked as a psychotherapist with the general public and in addiction recovery.For the last few years, she has been a life coach specializing in interpersonal relations. Nasira also consults with her many family members who studied Islam overseas and returned to America to be Imams and teachers of Islam. Muslims often ask Nasira what psychology has to do with Islam. To this, she replies that Islam is the manifestation of a correct understanding of our psychology. Therapists and life coaches help clients figure out how to traverse the path of life as a Believer, i.e., "from darkness into light", based on Islam and given that that path is an obstacle course, according to Allah.