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She Will Not Sleep Without Me


A (24-female-US)

Reply Date

Aug 12, 2018


My daughter is 8 months old and for 2 months she has refused to sleep in her bed and wants to sleep in my bed beside me. I'm trying to put her in her bed, but after a while she gets up, and she starts to cry till I put her beside me. I need your help to solve this problem.Thank you




In this counseling answer:

“Do not look upon sleeping together as less time for you, look upon sleeping together as more time for bonding as a family. By sleeping together you will both get more sleep, in sha-Allah.”

As salamu `alaykum sister,

 Thank you for sharing with us your concerns.The wonderful thing about parenting, a young child, is that they can turn our world upside down, and if we are willing, they can teach us a thing or two about life, which we had missed out on before.

There is no better example of natural parenting than Prophet Muhammad who would not hesitate to pick up a crying child while the mother is praying. As adults, we can so catch up in the time schedules of life, which we miss out on the joy of it, and as inconvenient as it may be, the natural development of your baby means that she will protest at being separated from her mother.

She came from you, and if her environment is one whereby there are not many adults showing her love and affection, she will always turn to you until she is ready for a little bit of independence. After all, love is what makes everyone feel they belong in this world, it is just that little ones have not yet been socialized out of knowing that.

Check out this counseling answer:

Your 8-month old has a different time frame to you. If you could observe her needs, in this case when she wants to sleep, this would reduce the feeling of being in a war zone, and you would end up feeling less tired. Your 8-month old sleep pattern suits her developmental needs emotionally, psychologically and physiologically. By observing her pattern of sleep, you are more able to see how you can re-organize yourself around her needs until they change.

•Babies are more in touch with their own needs, so by going with her flow, your daughter will learn from early how to trust her fitrah(Allah’s gift of knowing what is right from wrong).

•Whatever family activity is taking place, she is more likely to fall asleep in the midst of it, more than if she is taken away from it.

•Your physical presence and the smell of you is what calms her. Body contact between you and her reduces her stress-level response, which is a hormonal process which is promoted by breastfeeding.

•The level of bonding between father and mother allows the father to approach the baby, so consider this in terms of sharing the responsibility of your daughter’s needs. Again this is a biochemical process.

Do not look upon sleeping together as less time for you, look upon sleeping together as more time for bonding as a family. By sleeping together you will both get more sleep, in sha-Allah.

“Whoever has three daughters, and shelters them, bearing their joys and?sorrows with patience, Allah (SWT) will admit him to Paradise by virtue of? his compassion towards them.” A man asked, “What if he has only two, O?Messenger of Allah?” He said, “Even if they are only two.” Another man?asked, “What if he has only one, O Messenger of Allah?” He said, “Even if?he has only one.” (Ahmad 2: 335 and al-Hakim, 4:176)



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Read more:

How Can I Teach My Child to Sleep Alone?

What to Do If Your Toddler Doesn’t Sleep Well

My Husband Insists to Sleep with Our Daughter

About Hwaa Irfan

Late Hwaa Irfan, may her soul rest in peace, served as consultant, counselor and freelance writer. Her main focus was on traditional healing mechanisms as practiced in various communities, as opposed to Western healing mechanisms.

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