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It Was All About Makeup

Questioner

A (35_female_Canada)

Reply Date

Nov 13, 2017

Question

One week ago my husband and I got into a fight about our daughters. They were playing "dressing up" and were wearing makeup which my husband did not like; however, I feel a girl should be comfortable at home. I tried to explain to him that they only do this at home, but they are not allowed to do this anywhere else. The girls are well aware of it and agreed to it. He did not like it, and the argument turned into yelling, and he smacked me. I was so shocked and so upset. Now, the only time we talk is when he needs something; I can't break the ice. I feel so let down by him, and I don't know what to do. Should I wait until he talks to me about it or should I approach him? I feel like if I approach him, I accept what he did to me, which I don't.

Counselor

Answer


makeup

In this counseling answer:

“A child, who is nurtured amidst faith, mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual love, and mutual compassion, will naturally develop a sense of belonging as well as a sense of self. They will develop skills and abilities according to their inclination. With a sense of belonging comes taqlid, emulation, and in sha ‘Allah, the child will have good role models to emulate.”


 

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi dear sister,

It is not evident how old are your girls and how long you have been married, but it would seem that you and your husband have a lot of catching up to do when it comes to getting to know each other better than you do now.

There is a certain level of give and take in the interaction between two people. This is even more so with children, because they have come into the world through the mother and are being raised in a social environment that will have the strongest influence on that child’s perception of self and perception of human relations. Therefore, how a child relates to you is much more related to you and the environment that you have helped to create.

A child, who is nurtured amidst faith, mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual love, and mutual compassion, will naturally develop a sense of belonging as well as a sense of self. They will develop skills and abilities according to their inclination. With a sense of belonging comes taqlid, emulation, and in sha ‘Allah, the child will have good role models to emulate.

While you are having this relationship with your children, it seems your husband is preoccupied and may even have a lot on his mind. It is either that or he has no idea about communication, especially within close relationships.

When it comes to close relationships between spouses, the nature of the marital relationship, and perceptions of each other becomes even more evident when there are children. When you say that you are disappointed in him, because you did not specify, there is an implication that your disappointment goes beyond this incident. You might even have unconsciously gone into your own little world which is easier if you spend all day at home, and he spends dress-upall day outside the home – at work, for example.

If this is the case, then you have drifted apart which is easy to do when there is no conscious effort to build and nurture a bridge between you and him as husband and wife, and as mother and father.

Marriage is the permission to have a close relationship with what was a non-mahram; it is a permission that carries responsibilities, and those responsibilities are not simply physical and material. The Qur`an enjoys on each spouse to be intimate and compassionate with the other in order to build and nurture the kind of bridge that allows for compassion, understanding, appreciation, mutual respect, and sacrifice.

All of that is important when it comes to having children, because, in this way, children feel safe, secure, can develop emotionally, psychologically, and mentally without any developmental problems other than health. The responsibility for this falls upon both spouses, although the approaches might differ. It is more than likely that one spouse might be more emotionally and psychologically developed in one aspect than the other, and with patience and getting to know the strengths and weaknesses of the other spouse, both can work towards the same goals.

It must have been a shock to you to experience the way in which your husband reacted to the situation, and you have no idea why he reacted as he did. As you seem to imply that he always responds to differences of opinion by not talking, and from experience you seem not being able to approach him to correct the situation, it will take some impute on your part to help build the relationship so that you can discuss important family issues like how the children should be raised.

At the same time, it is all too easy to blame your husband because of his physical reaction, when his reaction could be based on his emotional experience with you. What might seem normal to you might be negative from your husband’s point of view. For instance, he might be concerned as to a) the way young girls dress and behave today, or b) the rate of sexual violence that is taking place in society today, but maybe the concern is one that he has not worked out for himself yet, and is thus unable to express his views.

Negative emotions can sometimes be the invisible fist that render one incapable of dealing with a problem, and the competitiveness that many women are raised with and socialize with today (e.g. manipulative, bitchy), might make it seem all quite normal. One might feel hurt but not realize the greater hurt that one has caused someone else because one only considers what one feels as all important.


Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 

 




About Hwaa Irfan

Late Hwaa Irfan, may her soul rest in peace, served as consultant, counselor and freelance writer. Her main focus was on traditional healing mechanisms as practiced in various communities, as opposed to Western healing mechanisms.

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