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Always Screaming at My Hyperactive Son

Questioner

38-female-AE

Reply Date

Sep 13, 2018

Question

I am based in Dubai and a mother to two kids, aged 10 and 1 and am six months pregnant. I am having a tough time dealing with my 10-year-old son. He has symptoms of hyperactivity and is unmanageable for me. In spite of having the age gap, I can't leave him with his younger brother as he ends up making him cry for one reason or the other. Someone needs to be constantly behind him unless he is in front of the tv, computer or tab.

I keep a control on his tech exposure also and he constantly complains of how other children are given freedom while he is not in regards to this. He is not obedient towards me. I need to get angry and violent to make him do something. He is not the same with my husband. My husband blames my anger for everything. He says to behave with him lovingly and he shall do everything. But my problem is that when 90% of the times he behaves badly, I get angry automatically. My anger is so bad that I hit him physically and also use bad language. I am not able to control myself at all. Blaming my anger, my husband used to scold me in front of him when he was younger.

Now he feels his father is with him and tells me things like " Let dad come.." , "Let's go home and I will show you"...It's not that his father doesn't get angry. He too loses his cool and yells and beats him violently. But later he will also pamper him badly. I feel he goes extremes both ways. But he doesn't listen to what I say and he shuts me down. Because of his father's support and his resultant behavior, my anger towards both of them has only increased.

I have told my husband many times that we need to get help, either for him or for me for this behavior but he refuses to acknowledge the problem. I feel my situation is going from worse to worst. I am feeling totally helpless. My mother stays with me currently and that's a huge help for me or else I don't know what I would have done. Please help

Counselor

Answer


Always Screaming at My Hyperactive Son

In this counseling answer:

•Try to reestablish a better relationship with him. Instead of screaming, yelling and getting physical, try a more calm approach.

•Try to spend more quality time with him alone insha’Allah  (if you can). Take him to one of his favorite movies or dinner spots and just the two of you enjoy each other.

•Please do sit down with your husband and have a serious talk about both of your parenting skills.


As-salamu alaykum dear sister,

thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear what you are going through with your son. It must be very difficult especially as you have a one-year-old and you are also pregnant.  Sister, you have to remember, your son was an only child for about 89 years.  That means he had you all to himself.  Now he has to share with you.  Jealousy is not uncommon in these situations nor is the possibility that he may have been spoiled.

Change and Adjustment

At this point sister, insha’Allah try to reestablish a better relationship with him.  Instead of screaming, yelling and getting physical, try a more calm approach.  You can exert more control over him when you are calm than when you are upset and out of control.

In fact, a lot of children learn to ignore yelling after a while.  However, begin to talk in a slow quiet tone-and you may get his attention.  Insha’Allah be calm but be a consistent sister.  Your son is learning to adapt to his new sibling as well as another one on the way.  As there is an age difference, it is a big change for a child to adjust to. He is actually seeking boundaries from you and your husband.  Children do tend to like boundaries and consistency, it makes them feel secure.

I would kindly suggest that you try to spend more quality time with him alone insha’Allah  (if you can).  Take him to one of his favorite movies or dinner spots and just the two of you enjoy each other.  He probably misses those times with you sister.  While this suggestion is not to condone his misbehavior it is a way of rebuilding his feelings of security and being loved.


Check out this counseling video


Ending the Cycle

Part of the issue may lie within your temper dear sister.  As you said yourself you can’t help from getting angry and hitting him and swearing this may be a large part of the problem. Your husband also “yells and beats him violently”.  No wonder he is out of control.

Sister, please do sit down with your husband and have a serious talk about both of your parenting skills.  While I know you love your son dearly and want the best for him, beating him is abuse and he will likely end up damaged for life if it continues.  Children who come from homes where abuse occurs usually grow up with low self-esteem, mental health issues as well as repeat the abusive cycle when they become parents.

As your other child is only one year old and your other is unborn, please do try to make the change now.  Make duaa to Allah to help you and your husband with this.  Seek out parenting classes-and take them.  You may also want to consider taking anger management classes too. When your baby is born that will be an added joy and stressor to the family and may increase your frustrations. You son needs you sister, he needs your love and attention in a positive, constructs way.

A New Start

Insha’Allah dear sister, once you and your husband end the beatings and swearing-you may find a different little boy beginning to emerge.  One who is less hyper, less defiant and less angry. You love your son so much, and desire peace and good behavior in the home.  Insha’Allah your husband and you will be able to serve as role models for the changes you would like to see.

Your son looks to both of you for love, security and safety from harm.  I ask you to make the efforts to make your home a blessed haven for your children, the blessings will be abundant.

You are in our prayers dear sister, we wish you the best.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

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