In this counseling answer:
•Try to reestablish a better relationship with him. Instead of screaming, yelling and getting physical, try a more calm approach.
•Try to spend more quality time with him alone insha’Allah (if you can). Take him to one of his favorite movies or dinner spots and just the two of you enjoy each other.
•Please do sit down with your husband and have a serious talk about both of your parenting skills.
As-salamu alaykum dear sister,
thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear what you are going through with your son. It must be very difficult especially as you have a one-year-old and you are also pregnant. Sister, you have to remember, your son was an only child for about 89 years. That means he had you all to himself. Now he has to share with you. Jealousy is not uncommon in these situations nor is the possibility that he may have been spoiled.
Change and Adjustment
At this point sister, insha’Allah try to reestablish a better relationship with him. Instead of screaming, yelling and getting physical, try a more calm approach. You can exert more control over him when you are calm than when you are upset and out of control.
In fact, a lot of children learn to ignore yelling after a while. However, begin to talk in a slow quiet tone-and you may get his attention. Insha’Allah be calm but be a consistent sister. Your son is learning to adapt to his new sibling as well as another one on the way. As there is an age difference, it is a big change for a child to adjust to. He is actually seeking boundaries from you and your husband. Children do tend to like boundaries and consistency, it makes them feel secure.
I would kindly suggest that you try to spend more quality time with him alone insha’Allah (if you can). Take him to one of his favorite movies or dinner spots and just the two of you enjoy each other. He probably misses those times with you sister. While this suggestion is not to condone his misbehavior it is a way of rebuilding his feelings of security and being loved.
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Ending the Cycle
Part of the issue may lie within your temper dear sister. As you said yourself you can’t help from getting angry and hitting him and swearing this may be a large part of the problem. Your husband also “yells and beats him violently”. No wonder he is out of control.
Sister, please do sit down with your husband and have a serious talk about both of your parenting skills. While I know you love your son dearly and want the best for him, beating him is abuse and he will likely end up damaged for life if it continues. Children who come from homes where abuse occurs usually grow up with low self-esteem, mental health issues as well as repeat the abusive cycle when they become parents.
As your other child is only one year old and your other is unborn, please do try to make the change now. Make duaa to Allah to help you and your husband with this. Seek out parenting classes-and take them. You may also want to consider taking anger management classes too. When your baby is born that will be an added joy and stressor to the family and may increase your frustrations. You son needs you sister, he needs your love and attention in a positive, constructs way.
A New Start
Insha’Allah dear sister, once you and your husband end the beatings and swearing-you may find a different little boy beginning to emerge. One who is less hyper, less defiant and less angry. You love your son so much, and desire peace and good behavior in the home. Insha’Allah your husband and you will be able to serve as role models for the changes you would like to see.
Your son looks to both of you for love, security and safety from harm. I ask you to make the efforts to make your home a blessed haven for your children, the blessings will be abundant.
You are in our prayers dear sister, we wish you the best.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.