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When True Confessions Hurt: What to Do?

Questioner

Camelia

Reply Date

Aug 19, 2016

Question

The loss of a great love. I'm a French woman who will soon convert and I love a very religious and wonderful Egyptian man. I will just explain the causes of my pain. Last year in October I had sex only once with another man and confessed it only two weeks ago.I felt so bad and regretted my act so bitterly. I confessed it because somehow he started to have doubts. First I tried to prove to him the contrary because I didn't want him to think I'm capable of such a horrible thing, but he insisted in a very kind way and knowing how much he loves me, I told him. Besides he said he will forgive me no matter what I will say. That's why I ended up confessing. Then once he knew he replied back that he doesn't want to marry me anymore.That was so painful to hear. We both were crying and felt so devastated. Of course as a very last hope I tried to deny it but it was far away too late. A few days later he said that he forgave me but he can't really take me as his wife anymore. I asked him what kind of forgiveness is this? If you forgave me that means you still want to become my husband and not the contrary. Needless to say, the following days were a nightmare. Sadness, despair, broken heart.Then one of my female best friends who is Egyptian, too, advised me to ask him for forgiveness once more by asking him to accept my repentance (tawbah). I asked him to forgive me again many, many times. I was attempting once more to do so but this time I wanted him to understand that I feel crushed to the point of not wanting to live without being forgiven by him. I can't bear it anymore.I'm aware that I made a huge mistake. It is true but I can't even express how much I regret it and how much I need with all my being to express my sadness and my sorrow for having caused him such a pain, but also for having been that naive and what a lesson I have learned. His pain became also mine. I understand how he feels, that's why I suffer as much as he does. I begged him to accept my repentance. I humbly implored him to accept it. I asked him to forgive me but mostly I asked him to accept my repentance. I will never be able to live with the feelings that I have done such a horrible and stupid thing to such a wonderful man and I regret it to the point that I'm ready to become a Muslim as soon as possible once I have learned much more about his beautiful religion.I asked him to help me to become a good Muslim. I need his humanity and kindness. I'm so, so sorry. Please help me to regain his love and trust as before. You're my only hope. I don't want to lose this man for anything in the world.Thank you. God bless.

Consultant

Answer


When True Confessions Hurt

Salam Dear Camelia,

Thank you for your question and for contacting Ask About Islam.

I am sorry for all the pain you are feeling. It is very difficult to love someone and then have that person turn against you. May God comfort you and guide you to what is best.

First let me remind you that I am not a psychologist and this page is for answering questions about Islam, not for answers to personal problems. If, after reading my answer, you feel you need more help with your own feelings, then I urge you to get some help from our Cyber Counselor or from an imam or professional counselor.

Islam teaches us that we should hide our sins and confess them only to God. He is the only One Who is able to forgive sins. If we repent sincerely and change our ways, we should trust that God has forgiven us and we should let go of the past and not let it haunt us.

Islam teaches us that we should confess our sins and wrongdoings only to God, Who is the only one Who can forgive sins. And God (Allah) is the All-Forgiving. If we truly repent and make an effort not to sin again, God will forgive us.

Ibn Mas`ud narrated that the Messenger of Allah said:

“Allah is more pleased with the repentance of His slave than a man who encamps at a place where his life is jeopardized, but he has his riding beast carrying his food and water. He then rests his head and sleeps for a short while and wakes to find his riding beast gone. (He starts looking for it) and suffers from severe heat and thirst or what Allah wished (him to suffer from). He then says, ‘I will go back to my place.’ He returns and sleeps again, and then (getting up), he raises his head to find his riding beast standing beside him” (Al-Bukhari, the Book of Invocations).

Just think how happy such a person would be! He thought he would perish in the desert without food or water or transportation, but he is saved when his beast returns. God is even happier than that when one of us sincerely repents and returns to Him, which indicates also how willing God is to forgive.

It seems to me that you confessed to the wrong person. You speak of your friend (former fiancé) as being “very religious and kind” but you say that he “insisted in a very kind way” until you confessed your past to him. But I question how kind he really is if he pushed you to confess something that wasn’t his business to know in the first place.

You say this man is religious and good, but I think he is not so knowledgeable in his religion. He had no business in asking about your past. As long as you are chaste now and have repented your past to Allah and given up that lifestyle, then this man had no right to push you to confess.

You write “I had sex only once with another man and confessed it only two weeks ago. I felt so bad and regretted my act so bitterly.” I am a little unclear from this and what follows in your question whether you regretted the sin before you confessed it to the man you love, or whether you regretted the confession because of the consequences. What is most important, of course, is that you repent the sin itself.

I think this man may be of a very jealous sort. You have grown up in a society where premarital sex is common and no longer frowned upon, though perhaps in your circle of family or church it was not so acceptable. But you did grow up in such a society where it is rare to find an adult who is a virgin. Shouldn’t this person you love have expected that you might have had sexual relations in the past? Not because of who you are but because of the society you are in. So why did he need to push you to confess?

I know this is hard for you to bear now, but I doubt that he really is the right man for you. He was jealous to learn of your past and now he can’t forgive you. His action only hurt himself and you and did no good. Or did it? Perhaps it opened your eyes to a side of him that you couldn’t see before.

Difficult as it may seem, I thinkWhen True Confessions Hurt you should try to forget this man. But I hope you will continue to study about Islam and I pray that Allah opens your heart to accept Islam—not because of any man, but because you are convinced that it is right. Literary Islam is the peaceful and full submission to the Creator of our souls, not to that of any of His creations.

When a person accepts Islam, his or her sins are wiped away and he or she starts over with a clean slate in life. God can forgive and forget our past when we repent. But unfortunately, not all people can do the same. I pray that Allah will guide you to a better man, Camelia: one who won’t need to ask about what God has kept hidden (i.e., your sins) and who will have the capacity to forgive in the future.

Keep reading about Islam, and may God bless you, guide you, and bring you someone better. And may you develop a beautiful relationship with your and our Creator that will help you through all the ups and downs of life.

I hope this answer has helped you. Please write again if you have more questions about Islam.

Thank you and salam.




About AElfwine Mischler

AElfwine Mischler is an American convert to Islam. She has undergraduate degrees in physics and English, and a master's degree in linguistics and teaching English as a foreign language.

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