Salam Dear Sister,
Thank you for your question and for contacting Ask About Islam.
I pray that the peace and serenity of Allah Almighty descend upon your heart, take any anger out of it and replace it with humility, contentment and satisfaction.
We are glad that you are seeking help and advice so that you may see matters through a new perspective that helps you lead a good and pure life pleasing to Allah and rewarded by Him.
Now, two very important hadiths came to mind once I saw your message.
First of all, in a hadith narrated by Abud Darda’, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
“Shall I not inform you of something more excellent in degree than fasting, prayer and almsgiving (sadaqah)? The people replied: Yes, Prophet of Allah! He said: It is putting things right between people, spoiling them is the shaver (destructive).” [Sunan Abi Dawud]
This my sister is the reward of mending relations between people, and especially those within the ties of kinship.
The opposite of that is exactly what the accursed devil wants to achieve.
Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said:
“Iblis places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: “I did so and so.” And he says: “You have done nothing.” Then one amongst them comes and says: “I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife.” The Satan goes near him and says: “You have done well.” A’mash said: He then embraces him.” [Sahih Muslim]
Your animosity towards your sister in law and the consequences of that which could lead to disagreement between her and your brother is something that would make only Shaitan pleased, and no one else!
I advise you sister to be very careful.
Be fearing of Allah with regards to speaking about her – or about people in general- badly behind their backs. Make your tongue very heavy, don’t allow it to get to the sanctity of people and their honor and mentioning them in negative contexts behind their backs.
This only makes matters worse. I advise you not to keep talking about her badly behind her back with other people.
Be upfront. Go and speak to her calmly about whatever that is making you upset. Find a respected trusted family member and have a gathering, just the three of you to resolve any disputes.
Maybe buy her a gift, and as the Prophet (peace and blessings upon him) said, giving gifts spreads love.
So buy her a gift, it might have a deep impact on her, the fact that you were thoughtful towards her.
But don’t keep holding grudges or talking badly about her among people.
This will not help you or help our ummah. We will never force people to have good characters or be perfect overnight. But what will help us is being God-fearing and leaving disputes for the sake of Allah.
Ideas for Peace
Now, as a fair judge, I need to consider the fact that we only listened to you, but that there is another side to the story. Her side…
In any case, the answer to this situation is to remember the following:
1- Among shaitan‘s biggest tasks is to split relations between people especially in families. You’re now on the beginning of this path, so do not enable him to achieve his purpose.
2- You should be patient, at least for your brother’s sake. You don’t have to be in love with her. He does.
So just respect them and endure with patience any disliking you have towards her. Of course, that’s unless she is physically abusing you, this is a completely different story. [We don’t have knowledge of that to be able to give adequate answer].
3- You should not allow those thoughts or those feelings to grow, because that’s your brother’s family and that’s how your future kids will react towards their uncle and his family.
Spreading hatred, animosity and breaking ties is something that eventually affects the unity of the entire Ummah, if we all allow hatred, anger and division to spread and grow among us, what would we have left? How do we expect to be a strong, united nation?
So control any ill feelings you have, and fear Allah with this regard, my sister.
4- Remember always the beautiful saying of Prophet Yusuf (peace be upon him):
“I only complain of my suffering and my grief to Allah, and I know from Allah that which you do not know.” [Quran 12: 86]
Remember what Prophet Yusuf’s own brothers did to him. They plotted against him, threw him in a well, lied against him and misled his father…
But how did this noble Prophet react?
With beautiful patience.
Eventually, Allah brought him his right back, made justice prevail again, honored and elevated Prophet Yusuf above them all and elevated his status in this world and the next.
And he eventually said:
“Indeed, he who fears Allah and is patient, then indeed, Allah does not allow to be lost the reward of those who do good.” [Quran 12: 90]
Allah gave us those stories for a reason. Learn from them and their lessons in the Quran.
Know that if you have a right and if you were unjustly treated, then Allah will bring you your right back even if it’s after a while. Just don’t do injustice to others.
5- Remember the hadith of mending relations between people and its lofty reward. Allah says the reward is greater than prayer and fasting and charity… all of this because you have to control yourself and your emotions for a greater cause.
You beat yourself and beat your shaitan for the sake of peace and maintaining family ties…for the sake of Allah and our Ummah.
Reward For Controlling Your Ego
Remember that statements like “I can’t stand her. I felt disrespected by her” and other such statements reflect a problem with one’s ego.
We have to work on our ego.
Ask Allah to purify your nafs, descend peace, coolness and serenity upon your heart, and make you more humble not through words, but through actions in tough situations.
May Allah help us! It’s not an easy task, but it’s our job as Muslims. This is what we’ll meet Allah with… a purified peaceful heart.
It’s not about the easy tasks that we already love doing… but it’s about what we struggle with for the sake of Allah and for the sake of peace and mercy.
So keep struggling beautifully, have beautiful patience and seek the help of Allah and leave everything for the sake of His reward…
And remember that after everything Prophet Yusuf went through and saw from his brothers, he still prayed for them:
“He said, “No blame will there be upon you today. Allah will forgive you; and He is the most merciful of the merciful.” [Quran 12: 92]
These are the characters the Quran and the path of Islam are helping us develop: uniting, not dividing people, forgiving, not breaking ties, elevating above anger, having humility, prioritizing the greater good over momentary anger… this is the path of peace, success and strength insha’Allah.
I hope this helps answer your question.
Salam and please stay in touch.
(From Ask About Islam archives)
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