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Man and Woman: Before Marriage?

02 October, 2016
Q Salam. I am converting to Islam and I am due to marry a Pakistani man who I have been with for five years. Recently, he has been praying five times a day and says that Allah is all he has on his mind. Is it wrong for him to spend time with me? I too will be praying five times, but will we still be able to show affection? I need to know if sexual relations are allowed before marriage.

Answer

Salam (Peace) Dear Sister,

Thank you for your question and for contacting Ask About Islam.

We welcome you to a wonderful journey of self-discovery in Islam, insha’ Allah (if God wills).

You know, salam is such a wonderful word, especially when it is said with its full meaning—”peace.” Peace of mind is such a valuable commodity today. In almost every aspect of our lives we are distracted from what is best for us. We are distracted either by ourselves, by others, or by aspects of our daily lives that try to convince us that something is normal when it is in fact not normal.

Long before I became a Muslim, I used to attend many public meetings (that ended late at night) on behalf of work and on behalf of the community in which I lived. Because I was one of the few women in attendance at these meetings, I always wore long loose clothing, because in this way, I would feel protected, my physical appearance would not be a focus, and I could contribute to the debate with the focus on what I said and not on what I looked like.

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You might say what does this have to do with you considering marriage. Well, as Muslims we always say insha’ Allah, “if Allah wills,” after every intention and every action that lies in the future, even if that future is only a minute away. We say this because only Allah knows what will happen. As a statement of fact, one would say, “We are getting married,” but you said, “We are due to get married,” which presents a possibility, because it is a possibility.

God forbid that anything should happen to make it impossible, especially if you are both suited to one another. But bear in mind that Islamically you have already broken the conditions under which unrelated men and women meet. You have already spent five years together and, insha’ Allah, you will marry.

The Last Prophet, Muhammad (peace be upon him), warned us that the body of a woman is highly respected and not an object of desire to be admired or appreciated, as is so commonplace in the West. Until marriage takes place, neither of you is responsible to or for each other. That is a right that comes only in marriage, where your rights can be upheld as long as you are aware of them. This is as being human can sometimes take the upper hand over one’s deen (religion).

Given this, the importance of you learning Islam is paramount. Sometimes, without the balance of reason, our hearts can blind us, because when we only see through the heart, our emotions color our vision of what is real and what is unreal, as well as what is suitable for our needs. This is one of the reasons why the obligatory acts of worship in Islam are obligatory, to help strengthen the mind and so balance the heart.

How many couples have sworn undying love to each other beforehand, and upon marriage discover that their love evaporates with the realities and tests that life brings. One can be ready for love, but is one ready to see the essence of the object of that love? One can be ready to love, but can one understand and accept the weaknesses as well as the strengths of the object of our love? We can be ready for love, but can we bring out the best in the object of that love and vice versa?

That is why it is best to begin knowing each other in the context of reality, and that reality begins in marriage, not in the imagination, which cannot make us ready for the responsibilities, the commitments, and the reciprocity of marriage. Nurturing one’s love before marriage is as good as building castles in the air: Once one awakes, the clouds disappear!

Fornication in Islam does not begin at the point of sexual intercourse, but begins with the look, the spoken words, the touch, and then the rest of the body. When two people who can marry are together in private, there is always a third party—Satan. This third party can make you vulnerable when you are least observant. That is the nature of human emotions.

Depending on what kind of man your fiancé is, the time you spend together before you get married could determine whether you get married or not. He could lose interest, as many men do, because if you become intimate with him, he might think of you as being easy and not worth holding on to with the sacredness of your relationship gone.

You could become pregnant as you lose yourselves to emotions, and he may imagine that you have been with someone before him and therefore you are no longer special to him. Even if you have had previous relationship(s) and he knows, simply giving in to him in this way can put negative ideas about you in his mind. This reaction is purely instinctual and has little bearing on education or religion; it has more to do with levels of self-development.

On the other hand, in Islam, when a man and a woman choose each other for marriage, neither is entitled to know about the past (personal private life) of the other. This is the extent to which Islam wants us to rise above the lower self and learn to love for the sake of Allah, not to love as in “to possess” each other.

So in your conversion, dear sister, realize that you are traversing between two worlds, the world that you belonged to and the world that Allah has welcomed you to, and this takes time. This valuable time can best be spent by getting to know yourself through Islam, and then you are better placed to see the natural order of things if you are ready.

Do not be possessed by your need to be with him, as in this way you enslave yourself to your emotions; thus you end up oppressing yourself, which, like fornication, is also abhorrent. We as Muslims are guided by Allah through the Qur’an and by Allah through His Messenger of Mercy, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and his Sunnah (traditions). From the Sunnah there is a supplication you could learn to help you get over the times that you may feel weak.

“Say: O Allah! I have wronged my soul very much (oppressed myself), and none forgives the sins but You; so please bestow Your forgiveness upon me. No doubt, You are the Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Al-Bukhari)

So, in short, my dear sister, get prepared for your marriage. Read more and more about Islam, move closer to your Creator and fill your heart with His love and with gratefulness for the beauty He has put within your heart. Throughout your period of preparation, both of you should not show any kind of physical affection. After marriage you have every right to enjoy one another’s affection, sheltered by the merciful umbrella of marriage—a divine gift that Allah has established for loving souls.

I hope this answer is informative. In case you need anything more, please make sure to contact us again. Thank you and please keep in touch.

Salam.