Short Answer: No person on this earth can know for certain what Allah will do. Have you asked Allah for forgiveness? We are reminded over and over and over again of Allah’s Mercy, so please do not doubt it and don’t despair.
Assalaam alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
Thank you for submitting this question.
I am sorry that you are distressed to the point of sickness over the sins of your past.
May Allah bring you peace.
There are a few different points to consider in regard to this question.
Only Allah Knows the Future
First and foremost: it is incredibly important to remember that no person on this earth can know for certain what Allah will do.
Should you consult with anyone on this matter and they say for sure Allah will do this or that, you should disregard that person as a reliable source of counsel.
We can examine evidence in the Quran and determine what is likely, but it is dangerous to speak with authority on what Allah will do or will not do.
Secondly, we should take a look at the following verse from the Quran in Surat ash-Shuraa:
“And whatever strikes you of disaster – it is for what your hands have earned; but He pardons much.” (42:30)
Does Allah punish us for our sins?
We know this not only from this verse in the Quran, but many other verses too, as well as stories from the Quran describing people’s punishment for sinful ways.
Allah is a Forgiving God
However, you should also take note of that last note at the end of that verse: “…but He pardons much.”
There are many examples of punishment in the Quran, yes, but also many (many more, I would guess) that speak of His Mercy.
Take, for example, verse 53 of Surat az-Zumar:
“Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.’” (39:53)
And verse 104 of Surat at-Tawbah:
“Do they not know that it is Allah who accepts repentance from His servants and receives charities and that it is Allah who is the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful?” (9:104)
What does nearly every Surah in the Quran begin with?
Bismillah ir-rahman ir-raheem.
We are reminded over and over and over again of Allah’s Mercy, so please do not doubt it and don’t despair.
Repent & Ask Allah to Forgive
Sheikh Ahmed Kutty explained that one key element to Allah’s forgiveness is repentance.
The fact that you mentioned that your past makes you feel sick seems to indicate a feeling of remorse. Have you asked Allah for forgiveness?
If you sincerely implore His forgiveness and make the intention to never commit those sins again, insha’Allah you will receive His Mercy.
It is also important to remember that just because Allah may forgive you does not mean you will be without trials in your life.
All people will face trials in their lives and your success depends on your level of patience (sabr) throughout the trial.
If you fail to land your ideal job, will you engage in destructive behaviors?
Will you blame Allah and think He is punishing you?
Or will you make dua, trust in Allah that He did not allow that job for you for a good reason, and continue your search?
No one in the world has a perfectly pure past. All of us have had indiscretions of some kind or another.
Try to forgive yourself, seek Allah’s forgiveness, and take comfort in knowledge of His Mercy.
Hope this helps.
Salam and please keep in touch.
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