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Hurtful Words from Mom, What Should I Do?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Feb 10, 2017

Question

My Mom sometimes hurts me with her words. She says things that are not quite true or right. She might be mad at me sometimes for attending doroos (religious lessons) and being with righteous sisters. It is frustrating listening to what she says sometimes as it is not reasonable. Do you have a word of advice for me?

Consultant

Answer


Peace be upon you dear sister,

Yes, I have a word of advice. My advice to you is that when your mom starts saying those words that you think are hurtful or unreasonable, all you have to do is just be silent. That’s it. Be silent. Allah hears. Allah responds.

Let me tell you a story of another sister who was in your same situation.

While this sister is actually a great activist who does a lot of work for the sake of Allah and many girls and families are benefiting from her work and respect her.

Her mom on the other hand was upset that she is not taking care of herself and that she is “wasting all her life” doing these acts of service without paying attention to her youth, personal life, etc.

The sister said that many times she would argue with her mom and answer her back to explain her standpoint. This usually didn’t work.

One time, her mom started yelling at her and accusing her of being a failure and wasting her time on useless activities with the wrong people and neglecting her life … etc.

The sister said that she remained silent the whole time. She didn’t interrupt her mother, nor speak back/defend herself/correct her mother. She just listened in silence the whole time without moving or saying anything.

She had to hear a lot of hurtful words. But she endured silently with patience knowing that Allah knows and hears. She submitted her case to Him and didn’t answer back.

The day after this happened, her Mom met a family that benefits from her daughter’s work, they stopped her and kept thanking her for raising this righteous girl and making dua for her and speaking very highly of the girl and her work and how impressive and unique she was.

The mother was speechless. Everything they said corrected her inaccurate idea of her daughter’s work just a day before.

A day after that, two people sent her daughter voice notes on her phone explaining how much she has changed their lives and they owe her so much and that only Allah can repay her for her services. Again, the mother heard those messages and broke into tears.

{Indeed, Allah defends those who have believed […]} (Quran 22:38)

Sister, if you are not mistaken and you are following the right path for the sake of Allah, then Allah will defend you.

Remember, sometimes our parents, when they grow old, they become demanding or difficult to deal with. We know that. Allah already told us that.

He also told us to just be patient, merciful, and courteous towards them—without obeying them in matters that are sinful or include disobedience to Him.

We are instructed to be grateful and kind to them, not to knock them down with our arguments, come-backs, and intellectual abilities—that’s actually not merciful at all. That’s sinful, ungrateful, and rude. May Allah forgive us!

If you’re winning an argument and breaking your parent’s heart in the process, that’s not really winning. That’s ‘uoqooq’ (disobedience to parents) which is one of the major sins in Islam.

Yes, sometimes as our parents grow old, they become tired or unreasonable, but we have to remember that we too were extremely unreasonable, tiring, and demanding when we were young.

Remember all the years when your parents gave up their own rest, gave up going out with their friends or doing what they please to remain by your side and serve you … all the years they worked hard to provide for you.

You will never even know how many times your mom put up with the unreasonable and unpleasant puking, constant changing of nasty diapers, extreme loud crying, mood swings and endless questions … she had to deal with all of that and more from you when you were little.

Allah made it an obligation on your parents to remain by your side when you were tiring and unreasonable.

Now Allah is making it an obligation on you to remain by their side when they are tiring and unreasonable.

{And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination. But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me [in repentance]. Then to Me will be your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do.} (Quran 31:14-15)

Remember that essentially, your mother is the most loving and most merciful towards you. She might be expressing herself in a way that you don’t like, but essentially, she wants to see her daughter in the best condition.

She fears for you and cares for you more than anyone else. This is something engraved in her heart. Try not to break this heart.

Even if it comes out rough sometimes, just be patient and silent, make dua and leave it for Allah. If you are right, and going to these gathering, being with righteous sisters, and learning is right, then Allah will defend you to her.

I hope this helps. Please keep in touch. Salam.

Please also take a look at the below resources for more benefit and context:

How to Deal with My Angry Mother?

Respect Your Parents

Don’t talk back to your Parents!

The Story of A Father and A Crow




About Dina Mohamed Basiony

Dina Mohamed Basiony is a writer based in Cairo, Egypt. She is the Chief Editor of ProductiveMuslim.com. She specializes in Islam and spirituality. Dina holds an MA and BA in Journalism and Mass Communication from the American University in Cairo.

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