Answer
Salam Dear Sister,
Thank you for your question and for contacting Ask About Islam.
First let me assure you that writing such a long question with lots of emotions and feelings is a clear indication of your sincere intention to have your sins forgiven and your pitfalls wiped out.
Sister, you are facing such difficulties because Allah loves you so much. It is reported that if Allah loves someone, He puts him to trials and tribulations.
The equation goes like this: the greater the hardship = the greater the reward. Allah the Exalted says in the Quran what means:
{We shall certainly test you with fear and hunger, and loss of property, lives, and crops. But [Prophet], give good news to those who are steadfast, those who say, when afflicted with a calamity, ‘We belong to God and to Him we shall return.’ These will be given blessings and mercy from their Lord, and it is they who are rightly guided.} (Al-Baqarah 2:155-157)
The Prophet said:
“Whoever Allah wants good for him, he puts them to test. He puts them through difficulties. Like a diamond or some metal that has to be burnt and then that which is bad from it is removed so that you have that which is the pure diamond or the pure gold or whatever. Put them to tests, trials and difficulties.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)
All people, Muslims and non-Muslims, are tested every day with different kinds of trials. What distinguishes a Muslim from a non-Muslim in the face of difficulties is the faith that Allah has put in our hearts which makes us patient when we go through any difficulty.
Suhaib said that, ‘we were sitting with the Prophet and suddenly he laughed. He asked his companions: ‘Won’t you ask me what I am laughing about?’ So they asked the Prophet ‘what are you laughing about?’ So he said: ‘I laughed because I was astonished at the affair of a believer.’ All of his affairs, all of his circumstances are good, all of it. If something happens to him that he loves, if Allah blesses him with something that he loves, then he praises Allah and this is good. And if something happens to him, if he is put into some difficulty, test or tribulation or hardship or something that he hates, he is patient and that is good for him. And no one’s situation is totally good except the believer. (Ahmad)
The Prophet said:
“No calamity befalls a Muslim but that Allah expiates some of his sins because of it, even though it were the prick he receives from a thorn.” (Al-Bukhari)
You can imagine the reward stored up for you in the Hereafter as a reward for what you were afflicted with in this worldly life. Anas ibn Malik reported that the Prophet said: When Allah intends good for His servant, He hastens the punishment for him in this world, and when Allah intends evil for His servant, He withholds punishment for his sins until he appears on the Day of Resurrection.
Calamites and hard times are a golden opportunity to get you closer to Allah. You mentioned that you started to offer the prayer regularly. This is a good start. You have to continue. Don’t give up. Don’t lose hope in Allah’s mercy. Don’t take off thehijab because of the difficulties you are going through. Wearing the hijab is an obligation not an option.
Your happiness lies in three things: when you thank Allah for whatever happens to you, when you observe patience when are tested, and when you ask for Allah’s forgiveness when you commit a sin.
Now, the most important part in your question which has to do with your relation with what called “your would-be-husband”. You have to be careful when you deal with him. Your relation at this stage has limitations and don’t go beyond them. There is no official relation between you. Put an end to your physical contact. You are not allowed to be in one place with him without a third party.
In brief, I will answer the few questions you mentioned in your question. Allah is putting you to trials because he loves you the most. Allah wants you to be a good Muslim.
Allah let you do what you did because He wants to hear your voice in prayer and supplication. Allah does not want to destroy you by testing you. He wants to see standing before Him seeking His protection filled with humility and complaining to Him.
Allah wants you to have a strong faith in Him and what He has destined for you. Always seek His forgiveness and pardon. Do not feel disheartened and be sure that there will be a way out for you. You have to know that comfort and ease come along with hardships and difficulties. Allah says in the Quran what means:
{Verily with every difficult situation there is a relief.} (Al-Sharh 94:6)
To feel the bounties of Allah on you, look around you and see how people are afflicted with things harder than yours. You should know that panicking will not solve your problems rather it gets your situation worse.
What you have to do now is to start a new leaf. You have to offer the prayers at their fixed times. You should offer extra sunnah prayers. You should perform Qiyam al-Layl (late Night prayer). You should seek Allah’s forgiveness by offeringishtighfar.
I hope this answers your question.
Salam and please keep in touch.